A Reason to Let Go
by tbossjenn
Summary: Sequel to my Waking Up series - someone threatens Ashitaka\'s family/ UPDATED: Part 6 is finally up
1.

Toki was startled out of her sleep by a strong pair of hands gripping her throat.

A Reason to Let Go

by tbossjenn 

Note: This is the sequel to my "Waking Up" series, and it's set about five years later. You may find this first part kind of boring, but it sets up the rest of the story, so bear with me. Also, some background info: in the movie, Eboshi said that once the Forest Spirit was dead, then the animal gods would become dumb beasts and San would become human. This story operates on the assumption that the current gods (the wolves will probably be the only ones that show up in this story) are the last of their kind and that San will retain her wolf abilities but there will be no more humans like her. I know this isn't what the movie implied, but it's my explanation as to why the wolves are still intelligent and San is still a wolf girl. Now, on with the story. Hope you like it. : - ) 

* * *

"Pretty! Will you put them in my hair?"

"Of course, sweetie." San combed her fingers through her daughter's long dark hair and began to weave the flowers into it. The sun was warm, and she savored the sleepiness she felt. These kinds of afternoons were the best. Ashitaka laid stretched out beside her, fast alseep. San finished the girl's hair and said, "Moro, why don't you wake up your father?"

"All right!" The four year old pounced on Ashitaka's stomach, and he sat up with a startled grunt. "Get up!" she ordered, giving him a stern look. 

He chuckled and hugged her. "Who am I to argue with the women in my life? Did you have fun today, Moro?"

"Yes. I like swimming. But what should I do with the frog?"

The frog they had caught earlier that day was still swimming around in their bucket. "Why don't we let him go?"

"But I like him. Can't I keep him?"

"I think he would be happier if he stayed here." Moro looked disappointed, but silently agreed. Ashitaka picked up the bucket and led her down to the waters edge. A quick splash and then the frog disappeared while Moro sadly waved goodbye. "It's all right honey, he's back with his family. He's happy now," Ashitaka said. His eyes found San, and he gave her one of those soft, quiet smiles she loved. 

"San!"

San sat up and looked around. She could have sworn those bushes had talked to her.

"San, over here!"

She laughed. "Why are you two hiding in the bushes?"

Her brothers glumly stared at her. "Are you still coming? Hurry up before -"

"Wolfie!" Moro ran up and threw herself at the two wolves, who whinced.

"Hello, Moro."

Hel - arrrgh!" The other wolf gasped as the girl squeezed his neck. 

Ashitaka put his arms around San. "Which one is 'Wolfie' again?"

"They both are."

"San?"

"Are you ready now?" The wolves sounded desperate. 

San walked over to the pack and pulled out her wolf headdress. "Yes, I'm ready." She picked up her little girl and gave her a hug. "I'll see you tonight, all right?"

Moro hugged her back. "Yes, Mother." San put her down and jumped onto her brother's back. The wolves disappeared into the forest. 

Riding home, Ashitaka sat astride Yakul with Moro sitting in front of him. "When can I go hunting with Mother?"

"When you're older, she'll take you."

"She'll teach me to be a real wolf?"

"She'll teach you to be like her." Ashitaka knew that San wanted to pass on the legacy of the Moro tribe to their daughter, and he wanted to do the same with his own Emishi way of life. If they could find a way to balance the two, then Moro would grow to be a fine and strong woman.

They approached the house, and Moro jumped down from Yakul's back and ran inside. Not long after he and San were married he set to work building a new home for their growing family. San had appreciated the space - she had felt too cramped in the small hut. 

San came home not long after he and Moro finished their supper. Her clothes were wet, no doubt from washing off the blood. She changed and they played with Moro until:

"Come to bed now, Moro."

"No! I want to stay here."

"Listen to your mother," Ashitaka said, speaking his line in this nightly ritual.

"I'm staying here!"

"Moro, you will go to bed now or you will not come with us to Iron Town tomorrow," San warned. 

"But, Mother ... !"

"I'm serious. We'll leave you here with your uncles and they will not be happy to see you." Grumbling, the girl stood up and trudged off to her room. San followed and returned awhile later. "Sometimes I don't know what to do with her."

"She's a lot like you."

"Please, Ashitaka! If I was that bad then Mother wouldn't have bothered. She would have just eaten me."

"I'm very glad she didn't, love," Ashitaka answered, reaching out for her.

San joined her husband on the floor by the fire, snuggling against him. "It's good that we're going to town tomorrow. I have missed Toki."

"They must wonder how we manage to keep ourselves hidden up here all the time." She didn't answer, and Ashitaka knew it was because she regretted keeping their daughter apart from humans. San would never feel completely comfortable among them, but she didn't want to cut her daughter off from others. Changing the subject, Ashitaka kissed the side of her neck and said, "You know what I miss? Being alone with you at the lake."

She leaned close to his ear and whispered, "But we're alone now. Unless you have forgotten what to do."

"Refresh my memory?" He kissed her, gently pushing her to the floor. 

San slipped her arms around his neck and held him close. "I thought you wanted to wait until the lake."

"Do you really want to wait that long, San?"

"No..."

Both of them froze as they heard a soft giggle. With a sigh, Ashitaka disentangled himself from his wife and surprised the hidden little girl by picking her up and flinging her over his shoulder.

"Father!" 

"Moro, we told you to stay in bed," he said, carrying her to her room.

"It's no fun."

"And it's fun to spy on your parents?"

"What were you doing?"

"Um ... we were ..." Ashitaka nervously ran his fingers through his hair, searching for an answer. "I was tickling her."

"Oh! But ... why wasn't she laughing?"

"Your mother's not ticklish," he replied quickly. "Okay, here we are! Do you want a story tonight?" 

"Mother already told me one about the Kodama," she said, getting into bed.

"Then I guess two stories would be too many."

"No, I don't think so," she said casually. "You can tell me one. If you want."

"Why, thank you. I think I'll tell you about the time I met a princess."

"A _real_ princess?"

"Yes. She wore a beautiful red kimono that was so brilliant that she glowed. In the day she spoke to the deer, and in the night she ran with the wolves. She was the princess of the gods, and most people said she was a ghost - not even real."

Moro's eyes were wide. "You saw her?"

"Yes. I saw her on the roof one night and I followed her to her secret place in the forest."

"Then what happened?"

"She asked me to marry her." He smiled at the surprised and amused look on his daughter's face.

"But mother never had a red kimono."

"She did once. Now it's time for sleep." Ashitaka kissed her cheek and warned, "Stay in bed. I mean it!" 

Moro wisely did as she was told, drifting off to sleep imagining San glowing in the red kimono.

Ashitaka went to the room he shared with San to find his wife asleep on the bed. She must have been very tired because she was still fully dressed. Ashitaka sighed and began to undress her. Fighting samurai was nothing compared to raising a small, energetic child. With one finger he gently traced the tattoos on her face. Whether she was radiant in a fine kimono or tired after a long day of chasing Moro, San always looked so beautiful. 

After putting her to bed, he turned to get undressed himself when a pair of slender arms slid around his chest. Ashitaka leaned into her touch, savoring her warmth pressed against his back. Her voice came in a hopeful whisper. "Is she asleep?" 

"Yes. She's dreaming of you in Eboshi's kimono." He reached up and caressed a bare arm as it tightened against him.

"Hmmm... I had almost forgotten about that."

"I never have." Ashitaka turned and took her into his arms, kissing her softly. "I'm glad you didn't really fall asleep."

She laughed. "So am I, my love." Ashitaka began to unfasten his shirt, but she stopped him and said, "Let me do that." 

San carefully slid the shirt off his shoulders and then slowly finished with the rest of his clothes. She let her hands run across his body, occasionally batting away his impatient hands. She finally let him kiss her, and then to her surprise he turned away and stifled a yawn. "I'm so tired! Why don't we do this some other time?"

San just gaped at him. "Ashitaka!"

With a laugh, he leaned toward her and whispered, "You're not the only one who can tease, love."

San pulled him close and softly growled, "Be quiet and come here ..."

* * *

"San! Ashitaka!" Toki waved to them, running across the bridge. 

"Toki!" San slid down from Yakul's back and gave her friend a hug. 

"I'm glad you're all here, it's been so long! Hello, Moro!"

Moro peered out from behind her father's arms. "She's a little shy," Ashitaka explained. 

"That's all right, she'll come around." The young family followed her inside the town, and Moro stared at all the people she saw everywhere. 

"How is the iron business?" Ashitaka asked.

"We're doing great. It's amazing how Lady Eboshi was able to build this place up after it was torn down twice."

"I think a lot of it has to do with you," he replied. Toki blushed but did not answer. When Eboshi left to live in Taira with her husband, she put Toki in charge of Iron Town. She made a good choice, for the people liked Toki and the town prospered under her guidance. Toki, of course, would never take the credit. 

That night they joined Toki and Kouroku for supper in the dining hall. Moro had firmly planted herself in between her parents until Toki's young son had persuaded her to come out. The adults sat and watched them play with the other children. "Your daughter is wonderful," Kouroku said.

"Thank you. She's having such a good time. I guess only children can draw out other children," San replied. 

"Yes, that's something my boy can do all right!" Kouroku laughed. 

"Have you any news from Lady Eboshi?" Ashitaka asked. San visibly tensed, but said nothing.

"Yes! She's expecting a child," Toki said. "I guess everyone's having children these days. It's just as well; life goes on. They're hoping for a son - Eboshi had a daughter last time."

"Eboshi wants a boy?"

"Yes, it sounds strange to me too, but she wrote that she wants Lord Kei to have a son. She wants him to be happy."

San snorted. "I can't imagine that woman wanting to make a man happy."

* * *

That night the sky was dark as Iron Town slept. 

Toki was startled out of her sleep by a pair of strong hands gripping her throat. A man kneeled on top her, his face obscured by a hood and mask. He sat so lightly upon the bed that Kouroku was still sound asleep beside her. 

"You are not the gunwoman. Where is she?"

"I ..."

He flung her hard across the room, and before she could recover he grabbed her by the throat and pinned her against the wall. Kouroku was awake now. "Toki!"

"Where is the gunwoman?"

"You ... you mean Lady Eboshi?" Toki gasped.

"Yes. You will tell me where she is."

"Never."

Turning to Kouroku, the intruder said, "Tell me where I can find the woman, or I will kill your lifemate."

"Don't, Kouroku!" Toki shouted. The man tightened his grip, and she let out a strangled cry. 

"Taira! The lady is in Taira with Lord Kei!" 

The man released Toki, and she fell to the floor coughing. Suddenly, the door was flung open and Ashitaka entered, his sword drawn. The intruder recoiled from this new challenger. "You," he whispered. 

"Ashitaka, stop him! He's after Lady Eboshi!" Toki warned.

"He won't leave this room," he answered evenly, fixing his gaze upon the dark man. 

"You think you can stop me?" The intruder backed away, and ghostly black tendrils burst from his body. 

Ashitaka knew what it was. The last time he had seen those shimmering, snakelike forms was when they had emanated from his own body. "Keep away from him, he's a demon!" he said. The man turned and leaped out the window. Ashitaka chased him onto the roof. "Stand and face me, coward!"

The man stopped and turned slightly, looking at him. Then he ran towards him so fast that Ashitaka barely had time to bring up his sword to block the demon's blow. The demon repeatedly struck at him, pushing him back until Ashitaka was pressed against the wall. The warrior was amazed that so much power lay within the man's slight frame. 

"Don't be a fool. You can't fight me, you're not strong enough."

"I won't let you kill anyone."

"The woman deserves to die, you know this."

"What has she done to you? What have any of us done?"

Hissing, the demon knocked him down and jumped off the roof, landing on the ground beyond Iron Town's wall. Ashitaka saw him disappear into the forest.

Back in the bedchamber, Toki was yelling at her husband. "How dare you betray Lady Eboshi like that! How could you do it?" 

Kouroku flinched from her glaring eyes. Looking away, he said, "I had to choose between the lady and my wife. I chose my _wife_." 

Toki softened and finally put her arms around her husband. Holding him close, she whispered, "I know."

"He's gone - he escaped into the woods," Ashitaka said, climbing back in through the window. "Are you all right, Toki?"

"Yes, but how did you know he was here?"

"San smelled him - our window was open. She recognized the scent from Okkoto, and from me."

"You?"

"That man is suffering from the same kind of curse that I had. He has strength and power, and he is filled with hatred and the desire for vengeance. He will stop at nothing to kill Eboshi."

"But why? What does the lady have to do with him?" Kouroku asked.

"Maybe Nago cursed him the same way he cursed me, and he blames Eboshi for what happened."

"But that's impossible. That was five years ago - he would be dead by now."

"It must be something else, then." 

"What are we going to do? We can't let that thing get to Lady Eboshi," Toki said.

After a few minutes, Ashitaka answered, "I will go after him myself; I'll leave for Taira tonight."

"So you're going to leave, then? Just like that?" San stood at the door, glaring at him.

"I have to get to Eboshi before the demon does."

"Ashitaka, you lost that power when the Nightwalker lifted the curse. You can't possibly defeat a demon by yourself," she said.

"I have to try." San turned and left. Ashitaka followed her outside. "I can't just let him kill Eboshi."

"Why? You don't owe her anything, and she already has a lot of people protecting her. We need you more than she does."

He put his arms around her and said, "Everything will be all right."

She gently pushed him away. "You can't promise me that."

"I can't just stand aside, not when I can do something about it."

San touched his cheek. "I know, but that doesn't mean I like it." She wished he didn't insist on taking so much upon himself. "I'll come with you."

"No, I want you here with Moro."

"I'm not letting you go fight this thing alone. You can't do it without me."

"San, I want you here in case I can't keep my promise."

She bit her lip, then muttered, "Fine." Taking him by the hand, she led him to their chamber. "Come say goodbye to your daughter."

"I couldn't wake her."

"She'll be more upset if you don't," she said roughly. "Go on."

Ashitaka knelt by the bed and nudged the little girl.

"Father?"

"Hello, sweet. I have to go away for a little while."

"Will you be back soon?"

"I hope so."

"All right then." Moro yawned and said, "Night."

"Goodnight, Moro." He caressed the girl's forehead, then got up to pack his things.

San walked Ashitaka to the bridge, neither of them saying a word. Finally, San drew him close and kissed him. Leaving his family was painful for him, she knew this. "Come back soon, Ashitaka." 

"Anything you say, my love," he whispered, kissing her back. Ashitaka climbed onto Yakul's back and rode away, leaving San standing alone by the gate. 

* * *

"So when _is_ Father coming back?"

"I don't know, maybe in a few weeks."

It was the day after Ashitaka left for Taira, and San had gone home with Moro. The girl was playing by the fire and San was busy sharpening her dagger. 

"I hope he comes back soon."

"So do..." Suddenly San stopped and listened, sniffing the air. 

"Mother? What's wrong?"

San quickly picked up her daughter. "We have to get out of here, Moro. Right now." 

Just then the door crashed in. 

The demon stood in the doorway. 

to be continued 


	2. Part Two

A Reason to Let Go

by tbossjenn

part 2

Quick Note: Forgot to tack a disclaimer onto the first story, so this applies to the whole thing: I obviously don't own Princess Mononoke or the characters. Thank you very much. 

**************************

San slowly put her daughter down. Without taking her eyes off the demon, she said, "Go hide, Moro. Now." The girl ran off, and San tightened her grip on the newly sharpened dagger. 

"She's a pretty little girl. Won't you introduce me to her?"

His words filled San with a sick dread. "I won't let you hurt her," she said coldly.

"Of course you won't." His voice was soft, but sharp. San realized that he must be very young, no more than a boy. Raising the dagger, she growled in defiance and charged the demon. The creature was too fast - he stepped aside and struck back at her with a harsh laugh. San cried out as she felt the edge of his blade graze her arm. Usually the wolf girl had the advantage of speed and strength, but not this time. She feared this young man would prove to be more than a match for her.

She glanced at her arm - the wound was bleeding but it wasn't bad. The demon lunged at her again, but only half heartedly. He jumped away as she tried to counterattack. "Fight, damn you!" she shouted. 

"I don't want to tire you out, dear. I like playing with you too much." He lowered his sword and stood very still, looking at her. "So you are Ashitaka's wife. When I'm done here, your husband will be mine." Shimmering tendrils appeared and began to writhe about his body. 

"No!" _Oh, gods, this thing wants to kill my Ashitaka! It'll kill him and it'll kill Moro if I don't stop it!_ She leapt at the demon so fast that she caught him off guard. Knocking him to the floor, she caught a flicker of surprise and fear in his eyes. Before San could drive her blade into his throat, the demon blocked it and the dagger plunged into his shoulder instead. Shrieking in pain, he threw her aside as if she were one of Moro's dolls. The demon leaped to his feet and kicked her hard in the stomach. 

San gasped and doubled over in agony but managed to stay upright. Raising the bloodstained dagger, she silently challenged the demon to attack her again. He stared back her, breathing heavily and clutching the shoulder that was bleeding badly. Then he slowly backed away and disappeared out the door. 

San stood there for several long moments before sinking to the floor, coughing. 

"Mother?" She looked up and saw Moro standing above her, her face pale with fear. The girl took one look at her injured mother and began to cry.

"Oh, love, don't cry. Please? I'm all right." She painfully drew her daughter into a small hug.

"But you're bleeding!"

"I'm all right, Moro. I just have to rest for a bit, then we have to leave."

"Where are we going?" Moro asked in a small, frightened voice.

"We have to find your father."

* * *

"San, this is crazy. You're in no shape to go anywhere." Toki was lecturing San as the wolf girl gathered food from the kitchen. 

"I've rested long enough Toki, and I thank you for letting me stay, but I have to find Ashitaka. He's already a couple of days ahead of me."

"He can take care of himself."

"Not against that thing."

Toki sighed. "All right. I'll take good care of Moro while you're gone."

"She's coming with me."

Toki gently took a hold of her friend's arm. "You can't drag that child with you, it's too dangerous."

"I'm the only one who can protect her. I'm not leaving her." San pulled on the wolf headdress and then went outside where Moro and the wolves were waiting for her. As the Wolf Clan went off in search of Ashitaka, Toki called out, "Be careful!"

A dozen thoughts ran through San's mind. She wondered why the demon hadn't killed her. Even though he was wounded he still should have been strong enough to finish her. San remembered when the demon power had manifested from Ashitaka's arm. He had been able to open the heavy gate of Iron Town despite having been shot clean through the stomach. San had put up a good front after the demon kicked her, but she had barely managed to stay on her feet. She should be dead, but the demon had left her alone. Perhaps his curse didn't give him the temporary protection from pain that Ashitaka's had. If the demon was truly wounded, then San had a better chance of being the first one to find Ashitaka.

_Your husband will be mine ... _

Those words still frightened San, and they reminded her of what they were dealing with. Demons were mysterious creatures and the nature of their powers varied, but they were all driven by a relentless hatred and rage. This young man's vengeance would not be satisfied by killing San and her family, maybe not even by killing Lady Eboshi. 

San could be wrong about the demon. Maybe he wasn't really injured and had already left to find her husband. Toki had made her rest and see a healer in Iron Town, forcing her to lose precious time. The demon was probably hours ahead of her - he could have already found and killed Ashitaka by now, gods know how fast the creature could actually move across land. San would find Ashitaka dead ... 

Moro whimpered and squirmed in her arms, and San realized she was squeezing the girl. She loosened her grip and whispered she was sorry. San was also afraid for her daughter - had she made a mistake in bringing Moro with her? No... the demon could still be in Iron Town. Moro would have been easy prey if she stayed there. 

San would protect them both. 

* * *

For days, the wolves tracked Ashitaka all the way to the lands surrounding Taira, where they were stopped by samurai horsemen. The wolves growled, but San quietly ordered them to stay calm. She slid down from her brother's back and approached the men with Moro at her side.

"Stop there, demon!"

"It's all right," she said cautiously. "I'm not a demon."

"You can't be human."

"My name is San - the Lady Eboshi knows me. I'm looking for my husband, Ashitaka. Have you seen him? Please tell me if you have," she said desperately.

"You're the demon, you have to be!" the warrior shouted, grabbing an arrow and notching it to his bow. The wolves snarled and leaped at the samurai, startling their horses. 

A stern voice ordered the men to stop, and a tall man quickly rode toward them. "What's going on here? My orders did not include killing women and children." It was Lord Kei, Eboshi's husband.

"My lord, we've found the demon. She has bewitched these wolves into helping her!"

Kei looked at San and laughed. "She's no demon - she is the Princess Mononoke, goddess of the spirits. Don't you know that? You will not harm her, she is my guest." Riding over to San, he said, "It is good to see you, lovely spirit. I see you finally brought your daughter to visit us."

San couldn't help but smile back. "I'm glad to see you too, Lord Kei. Where is Ashitaka?"

When she first saw him, she could only look at him in disbelief. Ashitaka was alive - she could hardly believe it. Then she was running towards him, grabbing onto him and holding him close to her. 

"San?" His voice was full of pleasure. Putting his arms around her, he whispered, "We've only been apart for a week. You missed me this much?" He realized San was still clutching him tightly against her, and he gently drew back from her. A look of shock passed over his face as he saw her bruises. "What happened to you?"

She held his gaze and said, "The demon attacked us after you left."

The color drained from his face. "Are you all right? Moro, is she - "

"She's fine."

Ashitaka held her close and said, "Thank the gods. I can't believe I almost lost you both."

"You haven't, love. You'll never lose us," she reassured him, settling into the embrace. They were together now, and everything would somehow be all right.

"You can't promise me that, can you?" he replied softly, echoing her own words. "I shouldn't have left you, this is my fault."

"No it's not, Ashitaka. No one can know what that thing will do."

"I should have been there," he insisted, turning away from her.

"Stop this," San said gently. "It's no one's fault. We have more important things to worry about now. I wounded the demon, but he's still out there." 

Just then, Moro ran up and threw her arms around his legs. "Father, it's you! I thought we'd never find you."

"I'm glad to see you too, Moro," he said, picking her up. As he stroked her hair, he gave San a hard, questioning look. Ashitaka put Moro down and told her to go play. Turning to San, he asked, "What were you thinking, bringing her with you? She's in danger here."

"I had to, I'm the only one who can protect her."

"The demon doesn't care about Moro, he's after Eboshi and probably me as well. I'm the one who challenged him the other night."

"He was there for_ us_, Ashitaka. The demon knew you were gone. He was going to kill me and Moro, and then he was going to come after you. He told me." San answered. "He's after all of us now."

Ashitaka was still angry. "No, you must be wrong, San."

Lord Kei approached them. "I'm sorry to interrupt, but my wife would like to see San."

The wolf girl shook her head. "Now_ this_ will be a happy reunion." She abandoned her argument with her husband and followed Lord Kei. 

Watching her walk away, Ashitaka heard his daughter's laughter echo off the walls of Taira. 

For the first time he began to truly fear the demon. 

* * *

The Lady Eboshi lay propped up in bed, very pregnant and surrounded by servants. She shooed them away when she saw her visitor. "You look exactly the same, San. I'm sorry the circumstances couldn't be better."

"You're a bad omen," San replied crossly. "Nothing good has ever come from knowing you."

The lady laughed and said, "I have missed fighting with you. Kei and Ashitaka insisted that I stay in locked away in this room. I'm so bored, you have no idea."

"Maybe the demon will fix that," San shot back.

Eboshi's face hardened, and she placed a protective hand on her belly. "Don't say anything like that to me again."

San looked away and said nothing. 

The lady sank back down into the blankets with a tired sigh. "Please forgive my rudeness. These past several days have not been easy. I know this must very hard for you - protecting your enemy like this."

"I'm here to protect my family."

"That's good, I'm glad you watch over each other. It's the same way with Kei and I - that's why I've been locked away in this dreadful room. I used to be able to take care of myself, but it's difficult now that I'm carrying a child." She smiled affectionately at her stomach. "In the past I never gave any thought to having children. I wish had, because now my lack of foresight has put my son in danger. And the worst part is that I can't do anything to protect him."

"You're sure it will be a boy?"

"Yes," Eboshi replied. "And I heard you have a daughter. What's her name?"

"Moro."

The lady smiled sadly and said, "Lovely name."

* * *

Leaving Moro safe in the care of some servants, Ashitaka went looking for San. She was standing on the city wall, gazing at the sun as it sank below the horizon. A light breeze ruffled the fur of her wolf cloak and rattled the claws she wore at her throat. San was dressed for battle, but Ashitaka didn't want her fight to be with him. He slowly approached his young wife, never taking his eyes off her. The sun cast a pale, golden glow upon her. 

She ignored him and continued to stare out over the countryside, but he could tell she knew he was there. Ashitaka stepped up close beside her and said nothing for awhile, content to watch the sunset with her. Finally, he remarked, "This is the part when I say the beauty of the sunset could never be compared to your own."

"But that's not what you're going to say?" she asked curiously. 

"I've come to say I'm sorry, San."

She turned to him slightly and slipped her hand in his. "You have nothing to be sorry for. Moro is your daughter as much as she is mine. You have every right to question my decisions for her." With a sigh, she added, "You might even be right."

"No, she is better off with us. We don't know what the demon really wants - you were right to bring her with you." Ashitaka held her close, pressing his cheek against her soft hair. With a little sigh, San nestled herself into his arms. They both took a great deal of comfort from simply being together. 

Ashitaka looked at her and was surprised. "San, you're crying?"

She smiled and leaned back into his chest, listening to his heart beating strongly against her ear. "The entire time we were looking for you, I thought you might be dead. When we got here I had convinced myself you were, and then I saw you ..." San looked up and began to caress his face, tracing the contours she already knew so well. 

Ashitaka raised her hands to his lips and kissed the slender fingers, his dark eyes searching hers. Needing further proof of his existence, San reached up and drew him into a long, lingering kiss. 

"I am alive, San," he whispered, holding her close. "And you know what else?"

"What?" 

"The beauty of the sunset could never be compared to your own."

San laughed and he kissed her. Ashitaka wanted so badly to stay with her like this, wanted to go home and forget about the demon. All he had ever wanted was San and Moro - he had never known such richness could exist before he had them. He held San tight and tried to squash down the thought that the demon could have taken his love and his daughter away from him and could still do so. 

But then San stiffened in his arms and sniffed the air. Peering out over the wall, she scanned the forest beyond the city. "He's here," she muttered. 

Ashitaka drew his sword. "Can you see him?"

"No, but I'm picking up his scent from that direction," she answered, pointing. As Ashitaka started to go warn Kei, San grabbed his arm and growled, "Don't do anything stupid, or I'll kill you!"

Ashitaka smiled and said, "I love you too!" before climbing down the ladder. 

He quickly found Lord Kei, and taking him aside he said, "The demon is here."

The lord's face became grim. "I have my best men guarding Eboshi. The monster won't touch her."

Then they heard screams, and they watched in horror as one of the nearby buildings went up in flames. 

"There are people in there! Come and help me, Ashitaka!" Kei shouted.

The young warrior knew this was exactly what the demon wanted. He called out to San and told her to find Eboshi. As he followed Lord Kei, he hoped the wolf girl wouldn't be too late. 

* * * 

The alarm bell rang loudly outside. Eboshi sat in a chair, her hand gripping a sharp knife. She knew that if it came down to just her and the demon, then there would be no contest. Still, just holding the knife made the lady feel better. Her guards stood tense and ready, but Eboshi wondered if they could truly hold off a demon. 

She soon found herself fidgeting with impatience. During a war she had always placed herself at the front line, and she used to love these tense moments before a battle. Now she felt sick from the waiting, and from the fear. Eboshi knew very well that she deserved whatever fate the demon had planned for her, but her innocent child did not. 

Then the doors crashed in with a sharp cracking sound - they were practically torn down, Eboshi realized. The demon stood there, clothed in black and his face covered with a mask. A quick memory popped into her head: that of Ashitaka standing before her - masked and wearing a strange costume. The guards certainly tried their best, but they all failed against this rather small person. The demon sliced through them with an easy grace that Eboshi couldn't help but admire. Then the demon came for her, and she remembered her own danger. 

"No! Stay away!" Eboshi ordered, and her command was so powerful the demon actually hesitated before advancing towards her. Trying to back away, the lady slashed at him with her knife but he easily knocked it out of her hand. She gazed at him in cold defiance, but inwardly she was already defeated. For the first time in her life, the Lady Eboshi felt she had completely failed. What was worse, she had failed not her petty ambition but her own unborn son. 

Eboshi waited for the demon to kill her, but instead he was looking down at her swollen belly. He reached out and touched it, then looked up at her and said, "After." 

Shouts were echoing outside in the courtyard, and the demon quickly turned and fled. 

Moments later, San ran in and shouted, "Where did it go?" The girl looked so fierce that Eboshi thought she looked more frightening than the demon.

"Through there." The lady pointed towards the door, and San quickly went after it. 

Shaking, Eboshi sat down on the bed and crooned softly to her baby while knowing she was really singing for her own benefit. The song was something her mother used to sing to her a long time ago. 

"Eboshi, are you all right?!"

She looked up and saw her husband standing before her, his face blackened and sweaty and his sword drawn. Kei was breathing heavily, and he looked both anxious and overjoyed to see her. Eboshi suddenly realized, to her own surprise, that she truly did love this man. "I'm fine, but you're late," she said sharply.

He breathed a sigh of relief, his face lighting up in a huge smile. Kneeling beside the bed, he said, "There was a fire. Ashitaka sent San to find you. Thank the gods you're safe!"

"Where is San?" Ashitaka was standing in the doorway. 

"She went after the demon," Eboshi answered.

The young man's face became pale, and he quickly went outside and whistled for Yakkul. 

"Ashitaka, you won't be able to find her in the dark!" Kei called after him.

Ashitaka didn't answer him. The warrior jumped onto the elk's back and the pair disappeared into the night. 

to be continued


	3. Part Three

A Reason to Let Go

A Reason to Let Go 

by tbossjenn

Warning: There is lemon contained within, but nothing tremendously hardcore. If this bothers you, so be it, but please don't flame me about it. This is the first really lemony thing I've written, so please be kind when you review : - )

*******************

Part 3

Ashitaka and Yakkul plunged into the night forest, and the desperate warrior called out San's name. He heard something whistle past his ear and Yakkul spooked as someone leaped out from the bushes and threw Ashitaka to the ground. Hauling himself to his feet, the young man stood before the demon. 

Pointing to the arrow that lay imbedded in a tree trunk, the demon said, "That could have been in your skull. I don't want to kill you, Ashitaka, but I will if you keep protecting the gunwoman."

"How do you know me? Who are you?"

The demon was about to answer, but then he turned and raised his sword to defend himself from San, who had seemingly appeared from out of nowhere. The wolf girl was full of rage, screaming, "Get away from him!" 

"I'll kill you!" the demon shouted, counterattacking with his own blade. San was ready for him this time, matching his every move. But then the demon was able to get close enough to grab her by the shoulders and slam her back against a tree. Unconscious, San slumped to the ground. Ashitaka ran over and stood protectively over his wife. 

"Get out of the way," the demon growled.

"Never."

Screaming in rage, the demon lunged for San but Ashitaka blocked his way and attacked with his sword. 

"Stop opposing me!" the demon shouted. He punched Ashitaka, knocking him down. The young warrior scrambled over to San and covered her with his own body. Closing his eyes, Ashitaka held her close and whispered that he loved her. He cursed himself for not being strong enough to fight the demon alone. 

A low growl and an angry cry made Ashitaka look up and see one of San's wolf brothers crouched on top of the demon, pinning the man beneath his paws. The wolf leaned forward to tear the creature's head off, but the demon hit the wolf hard across the muzzle and quickly made his escape. The furious wolf ran after him. 

Slowly, Ashitaka loosened his grip on San and spoke quietly to her. "San, are you all right?"

She winced as she sat up too quickly. "I'm fine,"she reassured him, rubbing her head. But then she glared at him and said, "Why did you follow me here? I told you not to do anything stupid!"

"I couldn't let you face him alone again, San," he answered. "I don't want to lose you."

Softening a little, she answered, "I feel the same way, but I'm here to protect _you_, remember?"

The wolf returned, and said, "That demon is strong, and he moves very quickly. I lost his scent."

San frowned and said, "Lost it? That's impossible, unless there is a stream nearby?"

"No stream, but I picked up the scent of something else - probably a horse. I'm not sure."

Suddenly, San became frantic. "Wait, where's Moro? You didn't leave her alone, did you?" 

"Our brother is with her."

"You told the wolves to watch Moro?" Ashitaka asked. 

"Of course."

He sighed and replied, "I'm sure Kei's people have had a good scare. Come on, we'd better get back."

San walked over to the tree and pulled out the arrow. "You're lucky to be alive, Ashitaka."

"I'm not the only one," he remarked thoughtfully as they made their way back to the city. 

* * *

San and Ashitaka met with Eboshi in her room, and the lady was being examined by anxious healers. "I'm perfectly all right," she insisted, and the men left the room satisfied with her condition. 

"Eboshi, what happened when you met the demon?" Ashitaka asked.

"He killed all my guards and left me alive," she answered bluntly.

"Did he say anything to you?"

"He touched my stomach and said, 'After.' What do you suppose that means?"

"I think the demon has spared your baby but will come back for you when it's born."

"Demons aren't merciful," San said. "She should be dead."

"Thank you, San," Eboshi remarked.

"It's the only reason he would have for letting her live," Ashitaka said. "This isn't over."

"As long as my son lives," Eboshi said firmly. 

Lord Kei stepped forward and grasped his wife's shoulder. "You'll both be all right, Eboshi. I'll watch over you myself this time."

"I will go after the demon," San said determinedly. "My brothers will go with me."

"San, you're not going without me," Ashitaka replied quietly. 

She said nothing to this, but knew there was no stopping him. To the lord she said, "Kei, I want to see my daughter now."

"She's with Yukio. I'll take you to her."

Moro was in a brightly decorated room, playing with Eboshi's young daughter Yukio. Nursemaids stood in the corner, nervously staring at the large white wolf that was guarding the girls. Moro ran up to her parents and said, "Look at the toys!" Her eyes were shining, and the encounter with the demon several days ago seemed to be banished from her mind. San was thankful the girl knew nothing of their present danger. 

"Do you like playing with Yukio?" Ashitaka asked.

"Yes."

"She's exactly your age, you know."

"I'm older. She just turned four and I'm almost five!" Moro was outraged that Ashitaka would say such a thing. 

San laughed and gave her a hug. Behind them, Yukio was crying for her mother while Kei was doing his best to calm her down. "Moro, time for bed now," San ordered, steeling herself for a fight. 

"Can't I stay with Yukio tonight?"

San was about to object, but Ashitaka gently took hold of her shoulders and said, "We'll ask your brothers to stay with them. She'll be fine."

"I don't know ..."

"We will stay with her, San," one of the wolves said. "You need rest." The wolves joined Moro, much to the servants' disappointment. As San and Ashitaka left, Kei was rocking Yukio to sleep.

* * *

San let Ashitaka lead her to his room, grateful for the chance to be alone with her husband that night. He swept her up into his arms and carried her, saying, "There now, isn't this better than walking?" She nestled against him and murmured her agreement. 

Once in his room, Ashitaka gently laid her on the bed and kissed her. San instictively put her arms around his neck and pulled him close. "Shhh ..." he said. "You have to take it easy, San." Ashitaka opened his dark eyes and looked at her, trailing a finger down her cheek. "Let me do everything," he breathed into her ear. He abruptly got up and walked away, leaving her alone on the bed. San wanted to go after him and drag him back by his hair, but instead she waited impatiently for his return. He came back with a simple red dress. "I know you don't like wearing clothes you haven't made yourself, but I thought you might want to change into something clean tomorrow."

San looked down at her own clothing, worn ragged from the past couple of days. "No, it's fine," she answered gratefully, starting to undress for bed. 

Ashitaka stopped her and lifted her hand to his cheek. "Please, San, let me do everything?" he quietly pleaded, his eyes intent on hers. He turned his head slightly to brush a kiss against her palm, and she realized his need to cherish her that night. He had almost lost her to the demon twice in the past several days. 

Gazing at her lover, San's breath caught her throat so that she could only whisper, "Yes ..."

Ashitaka sat down behind her, leaning close so that she felt his face touch lightly against the back of her neck. He reached up with deft fingers and first removed the white fur jerkin, pulling it up and over her shoulders. San raised her arms, and when she brought them back down she slowly caressed his face with the back of her hand. 

The dress came off next, and he bent his head and kissed her neck while running those gentle hands along the curve of her body. Arching into his touch, San leaned back a little and looked up at him. Ashitaka was beautiful - his skin, his eyes, his dark hair, his lean and muscled body. He was so strong and brave, and San silently thanked him for loving her. 

"Oh, San ..." Ashitaka's words were choked, and she saw that he was looking down at the dark purple bruise on her side where the demon had kicked her. 

"It's all right, really," she said, not wanting him to stop.

"Did you see a healer?"

"Yes, I saw one in Iron Town. He gave me something to put on it, but I haven't had time."

"Where is it?" He got up, and San really wanted to kill him for leaving her on the bed alone again. 

"In my pouch." 

Ashitaka came back with a small jar and began to rub the contents into her wounds. 

San had been born human, but the years spent being raised by a wolf goddess in the sacred forest of the Shishi Gami had given her the enhanced senses of a wolf. Everyday she thanked the gods for this gift, for it had allowed her to survive in the vibrant but harsh world of the forest. 

It also allowed her to completely experience her Ashitaka in ways no human woman could ever imagine.

The first touch sent a warmth through her, and the feel of his hands on her body sent a delicious thrill up her spine. Ashitaka began to hum a song from his village; the song that he knew was her favorite. With a sigh, San closed her eyes and concentrated on his touch. His hands were soft, save for the few calluses that scratched pleasantly against her skin. 

_Mmmm... so warm ..._

The ointment had the light and pleasant smell of crushed herbs and flowers, which soon combined with the musky scent that developed between San and Ashitaka. She breathed it in deeply and it flooded her senses. Flowers and Ashitaka - she could practically taste them now. Her breath quickened and her heart beat faster. 

_I can almost taste him ... I need to taste him ... _

San turned fully around and looked at Ashitaka. He was also breathing heavily and his dark eyes looked wild and hungry. Pulling her husband close, she kissed him deeply and tasted him for real this time. Ashitaka's breath mixed with hers, his tongue pressing hard inside. Oh, gods, and the taste ...

Needing more of him, San's hands searched his chest but found only cloth. When she broke the kiss he cried out with disappointment, and San placed her fingers on his trembling lips to quiet him. "Why don't we get rid of your clothes, love?" Ashitaka nodded and began to wrestle with his shirt as she peeled off his pants. He lifted his hips to help her, and she could smell his lust. Ashitaka overwhelmed her completely, and she wanted more than just a taste of him. 

Dark eyes glowed with excitement. 

Dark skin was flushed hot. 

Powerful mouth drew her to him again.

A desperate sigh and a whispered question, to which her answer would always be "yes." 

Ashitaka gently laid her down on the bed and covered her body with his own, careful not to cause pain to her injuries. He claimed her mouth again before descending to her neck and lingering there for a long, careful moment before slowly making his way down lower. San gasped with the renewed knowledge that hands, lips, tongue and body on her skin were far better than just the hands by themselves. 

_He's so strong..._

_Lower now ... so good ..._

_I can feel his heart, he's so alive ... _

San took a deep breath and savored the scent that overpowered her. She could still taste him, and she felt that wonderfully hot skin everywhere. They were both ready, and in her mind she silently begged him to take her soon. 

San would never get enough of him, and he was everything because he was _hers_. 

Ashitaka paused, and she saw him studying her wounds in anger. He raised his head and there were tears forming in his eyes.

Smoothing the hair out of his sweaty face, San smiled and said, "I'm all right, Ashitaka. I'm all right." 

He slowly drew himself up along her body, his flesh lightly brushing against hers in a way that made her body tremble. "I promise you, my love, I will never let anything happen to you or Moro. On my life, I will keep this promise." Ashitaka pulled San into another kiss and then sealed his pledge by entering her.

The heat that had once covered San was now inside her, and she cried out as her lover established a strong and steady rhythm. She didn't care about pain anymore, she only wanted Ashitaka. She needed to feel him pressed against her - to hell with being gentle. Grazing his neck with her teeth, San pushed back against him and whispered that she wanted more. Ashitaka obeyed, satisfied she wouldn't break in his arms. He quickened his pace and his breath came out in ragged gasps. San clasped his shoulders, her hands slipping a little from the sweat, and burrowed her face into his chest as she felt him move deep inside her. 

_He tastes so good ..._ _and his scent ... _

It seemed to last forever, but then all too quickly San was completely consumed by Ashitaka's heat. Her body clamped onto his, holding him in a desperate attempt to keep the two of them joined together. Ashitaka let out a strangled sob, and soon afterwards San felt him shudder with his own release. He lay down close beside San and gazed upon her with adoring eyes. "I love you," he murmured, resting his head gently against her shoulder and closing his eyes.

"I love you, my Ashitaka," San whispered in return, kissing his forehead. She fell asleep listening to the sound of his soft breathing and savoring the feel of his arms around her. 

* * *

San smelled blood, it was everywhere and it was all she could smell. _Oh gods, where's Ashitaka?! Where's Moro?!_ She stumbling around the streets of Taira, and no one had been left alive. Blood in the streets, blood on the walls ... 

She stopped. Yukio lay cold and dead at her feet - her eyes staring obscenely up from a head that sat on a broken neck.

_Like a bird ..._

"Ashitaka! Moro!" San was screaming now, running into houses to search for them. Blood had never bothered her before. She had _liked_ blood before. 

Why was she alive? She couldn't be the only one alive. There had to be someone else - Ashitaka and Moro had to be there somewhere.

Lord Kei lay on the ground beside his grazing horse, one foot hanging in a stirrup and a hand limply gripping his sword.

San smelled something else now: fear. Fear had thrilled her once - the fear of her prey. These people had been terrified. And then she smelled the scent that belonged to her Ashitaka. She followed it across the courtyard and into the rooms that housed the Lady Eboshi. 

Eboshi was propped up against the wall, and her throat had been cut. Her one hand rested on her dead belly. 

San stood still for a moment, staring at the woman who had long been her enemy. Eboshi was still her enemy, wasn't she? But then she caught Ashitaka's scent, and she slowly turned to see her love laying in a crumpled heap on the floor. His arms were around Moro. 

San sank to her knees, crying in anguish. She had failed them ...

"Mother?" Moro was alive - she sat up and looked at her mother with her dark eyes still bright, but not with innocence.

"Oh, Moro!" The girl got up, and San sobbed when she saw the blood that was caked against the side of her daughter's head. 

"Why did you let the bad man kill me, Mother?" Moro's voice was harsh as she stood up. Ashitaka's arm fell limply to the floor. "Why did you let him kill Father?"

"I ... I ..." 

_"How could you do this to us?!"_

San gasped as she woke up from her nightmare - she had curled herself into a tight little ball and she was sweating. Sitting up, she took deep breaths and quickly looked at Ashitaka, who was asleep. _He's still alive_, she thought with relief. San got dressed and went to check on Moro, who slept soundly with her new friend Yukio. San had planned to leave her daughter with Kei and Eboshi, but she was now beginning to rethink this decision ...

* * *

The next morning, Ashitaka readied their supplies as San waited for her brothers to return. The wolves had gone in search of the scent they needed to track the demon. The wolf girl felt a hand on her shoulder, and she turned to see Eboshi standing behind her.

"I wanted to see the two of you off," the lady said. "We're both very grateful for what you're doing. _I'm_ very grateful."

"The demon has also threatened our family," San replied softly. "I will not let him live." 

The wolves ran up and one of them said, "San, we have found the scent. We will start not far from where you attacked the demon."

"Right," answered the young woman, pulling on her headdress. She wore the red dress Ashitaka had given her the night before, and she knew the color was not a coincidence. San smiled at this thought. 

Moro ran up and Ashitaka gave her a hug and a kiss before getting on Yakkul. Then San held the girl close, afraid to let her go. "Mother, you're squeezing too tight."

"I'm sorry, sweet. We'll back for you soon, I promise."

"I'll play with Yukio, it'll be all right," the little girl replied, looking as if she wished she were already in that room full of toys. San slowly backed away from her and Moro turned and ran over to Yukio, who was overjoyed to see her mother again. But then Moro looked at San, and the wolf girl again saw the nightmare image of her daughter with her skull smashed in. 

This time the dead girl was smiling happily at her and waving.

San quickly walked over to Moro and picked her up, carrying her over to her wolf brother.

"San, what are you doing?" Eboshi asked. "I thought she was staying here!"

"I'm not leaving her," San said firmly, putting the surprised little girl on the wolf.

Ashitaka rode up and said, "We can't take her with us, it's too dangerous! Leave her with Eboshi!" He was angry and frightened. San understood this but he hadn't seen her nightmare, and they had no way of knowing if the demon had actually left Taira. 

Whipping around to face Ashitaka, she shouted, "I'm not leaving her here!" Then she jumped onto her brother's back behind Moro and the wolves ran out the city gate and towards the forest that lay beyond.

Ashitaka had no choice but to follow. 

to be continued 

Note: Well, I'm sure the highlight of this chapter was the delayed introduction of Eboshi's daughter Yukio (sarcasm, get it? ^_~). Anyways, I intentionally didn't put too many "kid" scenes in part 2, but I wish now that I had at least mentioned Yukio in the second chapter. That's the only thing I don't like about writing a series - I wind up forgetting a small detail that I don't think of until after I've already posted the chapter, and by then it's too late. I will try harder to keep track of the details. Catch you later.


	4. Part Four

A Reason to Let Go

A Reason to Let Go 

by tbossjenn

Note of Apology: Sorry it took me so long to come out with this part, but other things have been getting in the way. I'll try not to take so long with part 5. 

***************

Part 4

Ashitaka raced after San, determined to make her return Moro to Taira. He knew San felt she had to protect them, but she had to see that she was only putting the girl in greater danger. The young warrior soon caught up to the wolves, and he shouted, "Take her back, San!"

San turned her head to look at him. The wind was blowing her short hair aside, and her face was fixed with a look of defiance. "I'm not leaving her, Ashitaka!"

"We can't have her with us! Stop this now!"

She motioned for the wolves to stop, and sliding down from her brother's back, she said, "You didn't see what I saw last night."

"What did you see?"

"Last night I dreamed the demon killed everyone in Taira. Both of you were dead because I wasn't there to stop it."

"A dream, San. It was a dream."

"It could come true. I told you before, I'm the only one who can protect Moro. I won't take the chance of leaving her behind with no real protection."

Ashitaka looked away and said, "You know we are going out to find the demon. By doing this, you are taking our daughter right to him."

"My brothers will help guard her. It's better than leaving her."

Ashitaka shook his head. "Not this time, San." He walked over to where Moro and the wolves were watching. The wolves growled as he approached. "Let me have Moro."

"Father, what's wrong?"

"San wants her with us," one of the wolves said.

"Moro's not safe," Ashitaka replied. "I'm taking her back." He came closer, but the wolves growled louder.

"San says she stays with us."

"Give her to me!" Ashitaka said.

"Father!" The little girl reached out her hand, but the wolf who carried her backed away while the other one kept Ashitaka from getting to his daughter.

"Moro belongs to the wolf tribe, human; and San is her mother," the wolf snarled. "San decides what to do with her!"

"We will not let you take her," the other wolf said. 

Letting out a frustrated cry, the young warrior turned his back on the wolves and went to Yakkul. The family continued to track the demon, but Ashitaka barely spoke or looked at his wife. 

The wolves followed the demon's scent to the east for several weeks. One day they came upon a small village, and the wolves stayed hidden with Moro in the woods while Ashitaka and San went to buy some food. San walked beside Yakkul, and Ashitaka kept his eyes carefully trained on the road ahead. He hated fighting with her - hated being angry with her. The young man knew San was doing only what she thought was right, but he did not like being left out of the decisions being made about his daughter's safety. As they entered the village, some people on the road gasped and quickly ran from them. Others stopped and simply stared at them. It was not unlike his first encounters with people after leaving his Emishi home, but somehow this was different. 

They stopped beside an old man selling food, and Ashitaka slid down from the elk's back and said, "Hello, friend. I was hoping I could buy some of your rice."

The man looked at him warily. "I suppose you'll be paying with a gold nugget."

"No, I have money," Ashitaka replied, surprised. "But what's this you say about gold?"

"Just how many creatures are there like you?"

"I don't know what you're talking about, friend. I'm just a traveller, and this is my wife."

The man said, "Another man has passed through here; a very strange young man in black who rode a red elk."

Ashitaka caught his breath, then answered, "I don't know what kind of trouble this stranger caused you, but I just want to buy some food."

"He caused no trouble, but there was something very bad about him. He went on his way, and I suggest you do the same." Ashitaka paid the man, then he and San quickly rejoined the wolves. He saw the concern on his wife's face, but could not yet bring himself to go to her. 

* * *

San settled Moro down for the night and sat beside her until the girl fell asleep. Moro had cried and complained about not being allowed to stay in Taira and play with Yukio, but she had eventually fallen silent. The family had spent a great deal of time travelling across rocky mountain paths, and San could tell it had been hard on Moro. San had grown up to be as hardy as any wolf and Ashitaka was a strong man, but Moro was still only a very small girl.

_Ashitaka _...

San glanced at her husband, who was removing Yakkul's saddle. Reaching up to scratch under the elk's throat, he spoke softly and smiled at his old friend. Yakkul turned and rubbed his head against Ashitaka's shoulder in return. San ached to go to Ashitaka and hold him close the way she had done a thousand times before. He was so very angry with her, and she knew he had every right to be. She had all but stolen his daughter from him. San sniffed the air but did not smell the demon's close presence. The sounds of the night forest echoed all around them now, and she took comfort in knowing that if the demon did come then the birds and insects would stop their music to warn them. 

The moon was bright and full in the sky, reminding San of the nights she had spent sneaking into Ashitaka's hut so she could look at the young man she had once hated but had come to love. In the past weeks he had barely said more than five words to her. San blinked her tears away - crying was for human women. She was a wolf. 

She missed his voice, and his touch.

The moon also caught Ashitaka's attention, for he leaned against a tree and gazed up at it. San went to him and stood behind him. "Do you remember our first night together?" she asked softly.

Ashitaka said nothing.

"The moon was like this that night, it lit up everything like it was day. You woke up and told me you loved me. I saw your face, and I knew it was true." 

"Now I see _your_ face, San," Ashitaka said. "Why did you betray me like that?" His words were full of anguish, and they made her feel just how much she had hurt him.

"I'm not going to say I'm sorry for what I did, but I am sorry you're so angry," she said softly. "Please don't do this, Ashitaka. Please." He glanced at her, then started back towards the fire. San felt the tears again, but this time she didn't think to brush them away. "Please!" 

She had never begged him for anything before. Knowing this, Ashitaka quickly went to San and held her close. 

"I had to, can't you see that?" she asked.

"No, I can't see what you and the wolves see. I wish I could." 

Ashitaka spoke no words of forgiveness, but he didn't have to. For San, it was enough for him to open himself up to her again. 

* * *

The next morning, San was going through her pouch when she came across the arrow she had saved from their last fight with the demon. "Ashitaka, look at this. It's made like one of yours."

He took it from her and examined it. "You're right. This is a stone arrowhead." 

San said nothing for a moment, then quietly asked, "Do other people besides the Emishi make their arrows this way?"

"I don't know." Ashitaka was still gazing at the arrow, his thumb rubbing against a marking that had been carved into the wooden shaft. "The demon is from my village, San, and he's leading us there."

"Are you sure?"

He got up and went to Yakkul. Patting his friend's neck, he answered, "Awhile back I recognized this as Nago's trail - the one I followed when he cursed me. I'm also the second person to be seen riding a red elk."

"If the demon is taking us to your village, we must get ahead of him and warn your people."

"I'm dead to them now. I can never go back."

San went to him and put her arms around his shoulders. "Surely they wouldn't turn you away, my love."

"It's our law, they have no choice."

San was suddenly angry at the Emishi for treating her Ashitaka like that, but she knew criticizing them would not help him. "I will go for you."

"You can't tell them you're my wife."

"I won't. And I'll take Moro with me."

"Why?" 

"I think they should see your daughter, even if they won't know who she is."

Several days later, San led Moro down the hillside towards the Emishi village. It was a beautiful place, and she could hear the laughing voices of the people echo up from the valley. Seeing a man walking along the path, she raised her hand and waved to him. He waved back, but looked at her strangely. As San and Moro approached, the wolf girl knew he didn't trust them. "My daughter and I got lost in the woods. "Could you give us a place to stay for the night?"

"Where are you from?"

"We're from the west. We were travelling with a group but we were separated. I hate for us to trouble you but it'll be dark soon and this is the only village I've seen all day."

The man eyed her suspiciously. "What is wrong with your face? Why do you have those marks?"

San unconsciously touched the tattoo on her cheek. "They're the marks of my tribe."

"We don't like strangers here. You'll have to find someplace else."

"Please, there is no place else." 

"I'm sorry."

"Would you have my daughter wander helpless in those woods at night?" San asked. 

He looked down at the little girl, who gave him a gap-toothed grin in return. With a sigh, he answered, "All right, come with me. You will stay the night, then you will leave."

"Thank you. My name is San and this is Moro."

"I'm Jii-San." As they walked on towards the village, he turned to San and said, "You must forgive me. We are secluded here, and we tend not to trust strangers who come out of the forest."

"Why?"

"Several years ago our prince was killed by a demon from the forest." His voice was full of grief, and San remembered the stories Ashitaka had told her about this man who had shown him how to hunt and fight. Later she would tell her husband she had met him. 

The village was full of life - the Emishi were preparing their suppers while their children played outside. With her mother's permission, Moro quickly joined them. San saw that the girl looked very much like the other Emishi children, and wished she could tell Jii-San that Moro was Ashitaka's daughter. She wished she could tell him that Ashitaka himself was alive, for that would give the older man great comfort. Instead, San kept quiet and was content to watch Moro. The women were singing a song as they made their way through the little streets with freshly caught fish, and San smiled as she recognized the words. She resisted the temptation to sing with them. 

Despite the peace, she couldn't help but notice that there seemed to be fewer people living there than Ashitaka had described. There should have been more children. But then, of course, others may have decided to move on as Ashitaka had done. A group of fishermen rode past her on red elks, and they were all but draped over their mounts in exhaustion. There was happiness, yes, but something about this village was wrong. She sensed a faint darkness, like the traces of a stain that could not be washed out. 

Jii-San gently touched San's shoulder and said, "This is our wisewoman, Hii-Sama."

A little old woman smiled up her, and San immediately felt her magic. Bowing a little, she said, "I am pleased to meet you, Hii-Sama."

"As I am to meet you." The wisewoman seemed to look right through her, and San knew she was special as Moro and the animal gods had been. 

The entire village ate together, and San and Moro sat with Jii-San and the wisewoman. Hii-Sama said very little, but kept her sharp eyes trained on Moro. 

"Where are you from, San?" Jii-San asked curiously.

"I come from a village far to the west. My people and I followed some game up here." Not exactly a lie. 

"Where is your husband?" Hii-Sama asked.

"What?"

"It is not the custom for a woman and her child to travel alone, especially without the husband."

"My husband had to stay home - he was sick."

"A shame. I would like to have seen the father of your little girl," the wisewoman answered thoughtfully. 

San and Moro spent the night in the wise woman's hut, and just after San put Moro to bed she heard the tired old voice behind her say, "She is Ashitaka's daughter, isn't she?"

Startled, San said, "How did you know?"

"Moro looks very much like our prince. I should know - I was the first to hold him when he was born and I watched him grow into a man. You are his wife?"

"Yes."

The old woman nodded in approval. "You are a strong young woman; he made a fine choice."

"You should know that his curse was lifted. He's still alive."

With a small smile, Hii-Sama whispered, "Our prince is still alive."

"Please don't send us away, I have something important to tell you."

"I will not send you away, child; but you must not reveal your identity to the others. Our law would forbid them from talking to you because he is dead to us."

"Why did you break your own law?" San asked softly.

The wise woman gently touched the head of the sleeping Moro. "I wanted to know for sure that your daughter was one of our people. It was a dark day when our prince left us, and the days after were darker still. There was a strange illness; many of us died from it. It also affected the plants and animals here - we had trouble finding food."

San shook her head with sadness. "All this time, Ashitaka thought his people were safe. If we had known, we could have done something."

"There was nothing he could have done. Come, I want to show you something." She led San outside, past the wall to the hill that was above the village. A large mound rose from the earth, and San realized it was Nago's burial place. "This is where the angry boar god fell; killed by Ashitaka," the wise woman said. "We raised this mound and performed funeral rites, but the evil that was in him infected us as well."

"How?"

"I don't know. We know so little about the true nature of demons, but it seems their evil can be poisonous even after they're dead."

"Hii-Sama, a demon is trying to kill my family, and he is Emishi," San said urgently. "He led us here, and I'm afraid he's going to attack your village."

"Thank you for warning me, but I know the demon will not harm us."

"How can you know for sure?"

"The demon is a child from my village, so I know what is truly in her heart," the wisewoman answered. 

"_Her_ heart?"

*****

Ashitaka sat by his fire, which was beginnning to burn low. The wind blew the smoke eastward as the young warrior gazed at the Emishi village that lay in the valley below. The wolves lifted their heads and growled. "It's all right," Ashitaka said. "I want you to be out of sight, but be ready in case I have need of you."

"Are you sure? San wouldn't like it."

"I'm sure." The wolves got up and went into the brush. Ashitaka remained by the fire, still looking down at his home. 

"I'm surprised your wife went without you, Ashitaka," a soft voice said. The demon walked out from the trees and stopped a few feet away from Ashitaka, looking at him warily. 

"Hello, Kaya."

The demon pulled down the mask, revealing the tired face of a young woman. "So you do remember my mark."

"I don't know anyone else who carves frogs into their arrows."

"I wanted to see if you remembered."

Ashitaka stood up and said, "Of course I remember. I promised I would never forget you, didn't I?"

Kaya's face hardened, and she said harshly, "Then why did you marry someone else?"

"I love her," he answered quietly.

"You loved me once, too. What happened to that?"

"I still love you, Kaya. You never stopped being my 'little sister'." 

"There was supposed to be more than that, my Anisama. We were supposed to marry, and you were going to take your place as leader of our tribe," she said bitterly. "But then that pig came out of the forest and destroyed all of it." 

Ashitaka knew that whatever he said to her would not give her comfort. All that Kaya had once looked forward to in her life was wiped out the instant the demon boar touched his arm. "Why did you bring us here?" he finally asked.

"I wanted you to see what happened to us. We all got sick after you left," she answered. "People died all around me. There wasn't any food. I knew I had to kill the person who did it."

Ashitaka realized that Kaya was now what he himself could have become - a creature consumed by rage and despair. But would he have spared a pregnant woman if the curse had taken control of him? "Kaya, listen to me. You can fight the evil inside you."

Kaya said, "There is nothing left of me anymore; I have only my vengeance. The Lady Eboshi will have her baby soon - I don't have to wait long."

"Don't you see? A real demon would kill Eboshi and her unborn child without a second thought."

"I am a demon, Ashitaka!" Kaya burst out. "The rotten flesh of the boar god saw to that." The haunted look in her eyes pierced his soul. "Why do you protect Eboshi?"

"I've always tried to keep the peace, you know that."

"Then you must kill me, for otherwise there will be no peaceful ending."

"Kaya, Eboshi's death would change nothing." 

"You know, after I kill the woman I was planning to kill myself," Kaya said softly, coming a little closer. She looked at him with an expression of wonder. "Hii-Sama told us you would die - that there was no hope for you. But you're alive, Anisama, and we can be together now."

"I do love you, Kaya; you'll always be my 'little sister'," Ashitaka answered, his heart breaking. "But we can never be together the way you want."

"Yes, we can," she said firmly, backing away from him. The ghost tendrils appeared and began to twist about her body. 

Ashitaka drew his sword and said in a low voice, "I won't let you hurt my family."

"How will you stop me, my love?" In an instant, she was beside him and she struck him hard in the side with her fist. Stunned, Ashitaka fell heavily to the ground. The wolves sprang from the bushes, but Kaya leaped into the trees and disappeared into the forest. 

to be continued 

Yet Another Author's Note: Okay, before I start getting indignant messages telling me Ashitaka and Kaya are brother and sister, let me explain. The Princess Mononoke section at nausicaa.net ( The Hayao Miyazaki Web) says that Kaya calls him 'brother' as a honorary title, but they are not actually related. Here's the quote from the site: 

"The knife, called "Gyoku no Kodachi", is a symbol of one's eternal love for the girls of Ashitaka's village. Kaya calls Ashitaka "Anisama" (older brother), but according to Miyazaki, this is a honorific for an older male in the village. She is not his blood sister."

Anyways, that's why I keep putting them into an incestuous relationship together. I should have explained this in "Waking Up" because I caught a little flak when I wrote in there that Ashitaka and Kaya would have been married if he had stayed put. I guess they became siblings in the English version because Americans are easily confused. I dunno. 


	5. Part Five

A Reason to Let Go

A Reason to Let Go

by tbossjenn

Part 5

***********

It was raining, and the Emishi village lay shrouded in fog. The red elk pawed the ground and shook her dripping body. Water droplets sprayed everywhere, but Kaya paid the elk no mind. The girl was looking down at the village as Ashitaka had done the night before. She knew he shared the same sadness - they had both lost their home and their lives together because of the demon curse. Their people had turned their backs on them. She and Ashitaka were their children, and the Emishi had cast them aside like lepers.

Without warning, the dark anger began to overwhelm Kaya and the ghost snakes appeared. The red elk backed away nervously, and the girl saw with horror that the grass beneath her feet were wilting a little from her presence. "No!" she cried, terrified. She had to control the demon before it took over. Collapsing onto the ground, she curled up and squeezed her eyes tightly shut. "Stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it..." 

Kaya stayed that way for a long time until she felt the elk nuzzle her arm. She slowly sat up and saw that the ghost snakes were gone. The grass she lay on was merely crumpled, nothing more - she had only imagined it was wilted. "Naoka," she whispered, rubbing the soft neck. The elk was the only friend she had left - the only one who had stayed with her. Kaya had given up on almost everything else, but she would never give up on Naoka's loyalty. 

Ashitaka was right - the curse hadn't yet claimed her completely. It was a dull bitterness that she felt all the time, and it could flare up into the dark anger at any moment. Kaya hated her people for betraying her, and she especially hated the Lady Eboshi for taking her life away from her. As for Ashitaka, she wasn't sure what she felt towards him. By marrying another and protecting Eboshi, he had also betrayed her. She still loved him, of course. She had always loved him.

Kaya's first memories of Ashitaka were of playing with him and the other children. The older boys would often explore the forest that surrounded the village, and she had insisted on following them even though she was too young and a girl. Ashitaka was the only one who hadn't minded her tagging along, and he had always looked out for her. Kaya loved him as a sister then, calling him her Anisama. They grew up together under the tutelage of Jii-San and Hii-Sama. Jii-San taught them how to fight, fish, and hunt while Hii-Sama educated them in letters and numbers. The wisewoman had just introduced Kaya to healing and the magic arts when the girl began to realize that Ashitaka was becoming more than just a brother to her. She didn't really know exactly when it happened, but she did remember a certain day when Ashitaka had come to fetch her to Hii-Sama. Kaya was dirty from working in the fields, and she felt an embarassed flush creep over her face when she saw him. She didn't know why she should feel embarassed to have him see her sweaty and dirty, for he had often seen her that way. 

It was not long before Ashitaka was constantly in her thoughts. He was kind, smart, and strong; he probably would have been the greatest leader their people would ever know. For as much as Kaya had come to love him, she hadn't been sure how he felt about her. She knew he cared for her, but he always called her his 'little sister' - a title she once loved but was quickly getting annoyed with. Kaya had wished she wasn't so much younger than he was, for if they were the same age then he might have seen her differently. Ashitaka was also very quiet and self-contained, so it was very hard sometimes to guess what he was feeling or thinking. One day their families agreed that she and Ashitaka should marry when she came of age, and Kaya was so very happy to know that she would be his wife. Ashitaka had also been happy, and she knew then that he must love her.

Then the demon boar came out from the woods.

That night she went to him and gave him the crystal dagger she had planned to give him when she was older. Ashitaka showed no fear or sadness about leaving his people. Kaya had admired his strength, but wondered if he felt the same anguish behind that calm expression. Would he miss her as much as she already missed him? The only answer he gave her was: 'Kaya, you know I will never forget you.' This had given her comfort, but they were not quite the words she longed to hear. She had almost asked him to take her with him, and had very nearly done so. Before she could work up enough courage to speak, Ashitaka urged Yakkul on and he vanished into the night - and out of her life. 

The suffering of the Emishi did not end with the loss of their prince. Some time had passed when they were suddenly stricken by plague and famine. People became sick with fever and weakness, animals died, the fish disappeared, and the soil could no longer provide the harvest. The few men and women who stayed healthy had to travel far to find food for their people. Kaya helped the wisewoman mix medicines and take care of the sick until she, too, came down with the illness. Unable to stop her body from shaking, Kaya sweated with fever and could barely draw a breath. Mostly, though, there was pain - a horrible burning pain that ate its way inside her and turned her thoughts towards vengeance. Kaya's life had ended when Ashitaka left her. Her love was gone forever, and she knew he must be dead. She would never see him again. She would always be alone. Her people, the Emishi, were dying from a terrible plague that Hii-Sama said was somehow caused by the dead flesh of the boar god. First the demon cursed their prince, then he poisoned them. The boar god surely had made very good on his promise to make them suffer as he had suffered. 

Someone had done this to Kaya and her people. The boar did not just become a demon all on his own; someone had made him that way by torturing him with the iron ball. They sent him to destroy her village. They sent him to destroy her Ashitaka. They sent him to destroy her life. 

For the first time she could remember, Kaya truly knew what it was to hate. She hated this unknown enemy with such a passion that a new power took over and made her well again. It was the dark anger, and it gave her strength and speed - the powers of a demon. Hii-Sama warned her that if she left, then their law would forbid her from returning. Kaya no longer cared what became of her, she only cared about killing the person who had killed everything she had ever loved. 

But Kaya did not expect that person to be a woman close to childbirth, nor did she expect the woman's protector to be Ashitaka - very much alive and very married. She knew she had been a fool for sparing Eboshi, but something inside her couldn't let her kill the unborn child. No matter - soon she and Ashitaka would return to Taira and complete her task. What did it matter that Ashitaka had a wife and child now? He belonged to Kaya, and he wasn't strong enough to protect them. She knew she could convince him that she was right, and then they would finally be together. It was what she wanted.

But was it what Ashitaka really wanted? The logical voice in Kaya's head told her it was not so - Ashitaka had married the wolf girl and had a child with her. He had said that he would not let Kaya hurt them and that they could never have what she wanted. And Ashitaka had been cold and distant to her when they had met the night before, seeming as if he did not care that the girl he was once betrothed to - his 'little sister' - was the demon that had tried to destroy his family. But then Ashitaka had never been one to betray his emotions. Kaya knew that he did love her, for he had given up his life to save her from the boar and had told her he would never forget her. The love he felt for her had shown itself in his dark eyes that night he had left, and when Kaya closed her eyes she could still see it. 

Shaking, Kaya got to her feet and cursed as she clutched her wounded shoulder. It was a bad injury, but she had managed to keep herself alive through the healing arts that Hii-Sama had taught her. The shoulder hurt her all the time, except in battle when the demon strength took over. Once again, she quietly promised the wolf girl that she would soon have the chance to feel her blade. Whistling for the elk, she said, "Come, Naoka, we must prepare for tomorrow." Kaya jumped astride the elk and the pair disappeared over the hill. 

* * *

The day was nearly over and Ashitaka had expected them to come back that morning, but San did not care. She had spent the afternoon with the wisewoman while Moro stayed with the children in the village. That morning they had seen the men ride off again for fish. Hii-Sama explained that the fish were just beginning to return, but they had to fish elsewhere until their lake and river were replenished. 

San enjoyed getting to know her husband's people and learning more about their customs. Never before had she felt so comfortable and friendly with humans. But she was angry with Ashitaka - after all his talk of San betraying his trust, he did not tell her that he knew the demon was Kaya - the girl he would have married. When the wisewoman had told her, she remembered the arrow and how Ashitaka had seemed to recognize the mark that was carved into it. San knew Ashitaka loved his wife and daughter and would never leave them, but he must still have feelings for the one he had left behind. She wondered just how deeply these feelings ran, and if Ashitaka was still willing to help her bring the demon down. Kaya wanted to kill her family, and for this San could not let her live. 

San and Hii-Sama rode through the mists along the forest path on the backs of red elks. The wolf girl watched out for Kaya, but sensed no sign of her. She was surprised to see some Kodama clacking their heads and grinning at them from the trees. Sadly, San thought of how she rarely saw them in her own forest anymore. Those who had survived the attack of the Nightwalker's headless body no longer felt safe among mortals, so they kept themselves hidden. The tree spirits in the forest of the Emishi had never learned such a hard lesson. 

"The forest is also beginning to replenish itself, just like the lake and river," the wisewoman said. "It will not be long until we can find food in our own land again." 

San could feel the ancient power of the forest all around her, and she knew this was why it was able to recover so quickly from the demon's poison. All of the Emishi's land was connected to this power. With a forest such as this, it was no wonder that Ashitaka had looked upon the Moro tribe with respect.

Hii-Sama turned to San and asked suddenly, "What will you do with Kaya?"

Without hesitation, San said, "I will kill her."

Hii-Sama looked at her gravely. "You remind me of her."

"Why do you say that?"

"You have so much anger inside of you. Kaya was very angry when she left us. She was not always so, but when she was sick she let the dark anger take her and it changed her completely. Kaya loved Ashitaka, and she wants to kill the person who she thinks has taken him away."

"If you're asking me to spare Kaya, then I can't do that," San answered tensely.

"I'm only asking you to do what you think is right."

San remembered her own dark anger towards Eboshi and the humans, and the bloody ways in which she had dealt with them. In Iron Town, she still felt the icy glares of the women who had lost their husbands in those battles. Was it right for San to punish someone for acts that she herself had committed? But this was different ... this time it was her own family that could be lost.

At dusk, the women returned to the village where supper was being prepared. The rain had stopped and the sky was clear, so the people lit lanterns and gathered in the garden to eat and share stories. San and Hii-Sama went to the old woman's hut to find warmer clothing. A dark figure was waiting for them. 

"Kaya?" Hii-Sama whispered.

"No, it's Ashitaka," came the soft reply. He stepped forward and lowered his mask, his face looking very unsure. 

The wisewoman smiled, her eyes filling with tears. "Come here, my prince." Ashitaka bent down and embraced her, and San could see the joy light up his face. "San said you were alive, and I could not believe it. Even now, I cannot."

He drew away from her. "Why didn't you send for me when you needed me?" 

"You know it was forbidden."

"Our law forbids you from speaking to me, yet you are breaking it, Hii-Sama."

The old woman shook her head. "I cannot help but break it. Please, do not blame yourself for what happened to us. It was not your fault." She looked at him sharply. "How did you know of our troubles?"

"Kaya told me. Hii-Sama, what happened to her?" he asked desperately. "How did she become a demon?"

"Kaya mourned you as a widow, and then the sickness poisoned her with anger and hatred. She is not yet a full demon, but the dark anger will soon claim her forever." Hii-Sama bowed her head in grief. 

"Is she cursed like I was? Is she going to die?"

"It is hard to say, but if she lets the anger take her then she will die." Hii-Sama gestured towards San and said, "You have come for your wife, then, Ashitaka?"

Ashitaka finally looked at San, as if seeing her for the first time. He quickly went to her and drew her into his arms. "I'm sorry, my love, I'm sorry." Ashitaka was trembling, and San's anger melted away. In the short time of a day he found out that his people had all nearly died and the girl he had loved was gone. Never before had he openly showed such grief, and it touched San deeply. 

"I think this may be only the second time I have ever seen you cry," San said softly, brushing away some loose strands of his hair. She said nothing of what had to be done, knowing that he could not hear it now. 

Just then, Jii-San came into the hut and said, "Hii-Sama, you and San must come and join us." Ashitaka quickly backed away and pulled up his mask. "Who is that?" the old warrior demanded.

"My husband came to find me," San answered. "We're leaving now."

"Well, then, I'd like to meet him!" Walking over to Ashitaka, he said, "Your wife and daughter have been our welcome guests, sir."

"Thank you for taking such good care of them," the young warrior replied, his voice strained. 

Jii-San stared at the dark eyes, then looked down at the faded purple mark on Ashitaka's right hand. Visibly shaken, the old man drew in a breath and mumbled, "I am glad to see you." He quickly turned and left. 

Ashitaka stared after him, and Hii-Sama said, "Jii-San has never come so close to breaking our law. You should be honored, my prince."

"I am," he said softly. "San, we should go now. I shouldn't be here."

"You and your family will stay in my hut for the night, and you will leave before dawn," the wisewoman said firmly. "You will spend one more night in your village, Ashitaka." 

Ashitaka was about to protest, but then quietly agreed. Removing the cloak and mask, he sat down with San by the table as Hii-Sama moved off to prepare some supper. Alone with her husband, San put her arms around him and he leaned into her embrace. "Are you all right, love?" she whispered.

"I should have been here for them. I left them to die ..."

"No, love, you left to meet your fate. You did what you had to do, and everyone here knows that. They all think you're dead, and they still grieve for you. Until I met you and your people, I never knew humans could have such loyalty for one another."

"Their loyalty is to someone who should be dead," Ashitaka said bitterly. 

"Don't say that!" she said sharply. "You disgrace the respect they have shown for you."

"I'm sorry," Ashitaka whispered. "You're right."

They said nothing for a few minutes, then San quietly said, "The Emishi are very strong. They survived when the emperor tried to destroy them long ago, and they have survived this. The sickness is gone now, and the land is growing stronger. Your people are going to be all right, Ashitaka."

She tightened her arms around him, and he sighed and leaned further back against her. "I wish I could see my mother in her garden," he said. "That's where I always see her when I remember her. And my father ... I think of him riding his elk along the path to the watchtower. I wish I could see him too." Ashitaka fell silent, then added, "I have never blamed Eboshi for what happened to me, and I don't blame her now for what happened to my village. She has only been carrying out her part in fate's plan. I don't blame her, not like ... not like Kaya does."

San stiffened, and the anger and jealousy slowly began to creep back in. "Why didn't you tell me Kaya was the demon?"

"I wanted to meet with her alone. I had hoped I could convince her to stop all this," Ashitaka replied. 

"Do you still love her?" San asked harshly.

"What?" He turned and looked at her, and she swore she saw something like guilt in his eyes. 

"Do you love her?" This time softer, not so harsh.

"I love my 'little sister' as much as I ever have," he answered, looking into her eyes. "And I love my wife as much as I ever have." He caressed her cheek, and she leaned forward and held him close.

"Of course you do," San said softly.

"I'm a fool, aren't I?"

San shook her head. "You're not a fool, but you mustn't let this keep you from doing what needs to be done."

"I don't know if I can kill her, San."

She drew away from him a little. "Kaya has threatened our daughter. The demon power will soon take her and she'll kill anyone who stands in her way."

"But it's Kaya," he whispered.

"You alone must make your decision, love, but I think that the girl you told me about would not like what she has become," San said gently. 

"You know how much I love you, don't you?" he whispered, not looking at her.

"Yes," came her soft reply.

Just then, Moro came in and squealed with delight when she saw her parents. "Father! I didn't know you would be here!"

Ashitaka smiled and held his arms out to her, and the little girl ran into them. "How's my little wolf?"

"It's fun here, we went to the field and picked herbs for Hii-Sama and ..." She paused to think, then continued, " ... and we played by the river."

He laughed and hugged her. "I'm glad you like it here. This is where I grew up."

"It _is_?! Why did you leave?"

Ashitaka paused, then answered, "I left so I could meet your mother."

"Oh," Moro replied knowingly. She knew her mother was a very good reason for anyone to leave this fun place. 

As the small family talked over their meal, San watched Ashitaka relax a little as Hii-Sama assured him that everything was all right in their village. They were able to provide for themselves again, and young people were being married while new children were being born. San admired their ability to survive and move on, and she could see that Ashitaka was comforted by what the wisewoman said. That night, she and Ashitaka slept peacefully with Moro nestled between them. 

San woke the next morning to see Ashitaka tying his cloak around his shoulders. She started to get up, but he smiled and said, "Sleep awhile longer, San. I'll meet you later in the woods."

"Be careful."

"Your brothers are waiting for me. I'll be all right." He gave her a quick kiss and left. San snuggled back down with Moro, who was fast asleep beside her. The little girl's chest rose and fell steadily, and San looked upon her with love and pride as she slowly drifted back to sleep.

She dreamed she was still trapped by Lord Okkoto, who had become a demon, and she was buried in a thick forest of writhing snakes. She burned, and with horror she realized they were starting to come out of her. "No! I don't want to become a demon! Please, stop Okkoto!" There was so much pain and anger and hatred - San was drowning and no one would ever find her ... 

San sat up with a stifled cry. Remembering where she was, she looked down and saw that Moro was gone. Hii-Sama quickly came in and said, "Are you all right child?"

"Yes, it was a bad dream," San answered, looking down at her arms as if expecting to see the snakes. "Where is Moro?"

"She woke up and went to play outside."

"I'll go find her - we should be leaving soon." San went outside and looked for her daughter. Squinting in the sunlight, she calmed her sudden fear when she couldn't see her. She found Moro's scent, and she patiently followed it's weaving trail through the village.

San stopped cold when she came upon the demon's scent, then turned and raced back to the wisewoman's hut. 

"San, what's wrong?" Hii-Sama asked urgently.

Not bothering to answer, San found her dagger and ran back outside, following the scent into the woods. She still wore the shift Hii-Sama had given her to sleep in, but she paid no attention as the branches caught on the thin fabric. Grimly she knew that she would probably be too late, and she swore that Kaya would soon follow her daughter in death.

* * *

A red elk carrying two riders made its way along the top of a hill. Kaya rode silently behind Moro as the little girl chattered excitedly about Kodama and about how she hardly ever saw them at home and how she couldn't wait for Kaya to show them to her. Kaya tried to focus on her true purpose for bringing Moro here, which was to free Ashitaka from his marriage so he could be hers once again. Somehow he had found a woman who had unnatural powers not unlike her own, and the only way she could defeat San was to kill her daughter. Surely by now the wolf girl had woken to find her daughter was missing and was coming after them. The wolves were not with her; and when San found Moro dead, her blind rage would make her easy to kill. Kaya would rather let the child live, but an advantage was an advantage and she had to take it. 

Moro twisted around and looked at Kaya. "Are you sick?"

"No."

"You look sick. The Kodama will make you better. They made my father better."

"Did they?" 

"It was the bigger Kodama - in my mother's forest. This is Father's forest."

"Yes."

"Do you know my father?"

"Yes."

"He left," Moro said sadly. "I miss him."

"So do I," Kaya replied. "We're here." They had come to the place Kaya knew very well from her childhood, and she slid down from the elk's back and lowered Moro gently to the ground. Below them lay a shallow stretch of valley where hundreds of Kodama sat clacking to each other in the trees. The little girl giggled and was transfixed by the sight. "Will Mother be here soon?"

"Yes, very soon," Kaya answered softly, moving to kneel down behind her. Placing a hand on Moro's shoulder, she reached down to her belt and drew her dagger.

to be continued 


	6. Part Six

reason6 

A Reason to Let Go

by tbossjenn

Part Six

*****************

Gently gripping Moro's shoulder, Kaya thought: Now is the time. San's coming, and when she finds her daughter's body, her anger will make her stupid in battle. Then Ashitaka will finally be mine alone. 

Kaya held the dagger low by her side, but hesitated to strike. Moro was so trusting, as a little girl should have the right to be. The ghost snakes appeared and began to writhe about the young woman as she thought that she should have been the one to give Ashitaka this child. It was the fault of the Eboshi woman that she was not the mother; it was Eboshi's fault that Kaya was not Ashitaka's wife. Her life was ruined, and Kaya would make Eboshi feel every minute of her death. Eboshi would die slow, not like this child ...

This child who looked so much like Ashitaka. 

Moro watched the Kodama with delight, unaware of what Kaya was planning. It had to be now - San would soon be upon them. 

Kaya raised a hand to her aching skull as she gripped her dagger with the other.

Do it now!

Kaya lifted the dagger, and then Ashitaka's daughter turned and smiled up at her. 

I'm killing Ashitaka's child ... She thought of Ashitaka, who must hate her for wanting to destroy the ones he loved. Her Anisama, her love, hated her. What am I doing?

Sick with horror and self-loathing, Kaya dropped the dagger and backed away from Moro. The ghost snakes dissolved, and the young woman suddenly felt all her strength leave her. Crying out in pain, she collapsed to the ground.

"What's wrong?!"

"Get out of here!" Kaya hissed. "Get away from me!" 

The frightened girl turned and ran from the shivering form - ran back down the hill into the forest where thin branches whipped and scratched her face. She cried in fear, wanting her mother, then screamed when she suddenly ran into a terrifying monster - a barbarian woman in a dirty shift who carried a dagger and wore a frightening expression on her face. The wrath quickly turned into tenderness, and Moro realized with amazement that this creature was her own beloved mother. 

"Moro, oh my god!" San sobbed, falling to her knees and scooping the little girl into her arms. 

Moro held her mother tight and asked, "Mother, why are you so scared? I wasn't in trouble, I was only scared by the strange lady."

"Did she hurt you?" San asked anxiously.

Moro solemnly shook her head. "No, she fell down and told me to go away. I was lost."

San stood up and led the little girl over to a thick cluster of bushes. "I want you to stay here, Moro, and hide. I'll come back for you soon."

Moro began to cry again. "Mother, don't leave me!"

"I'll be back soon, love, I promise. Be a good girl and wait here for me."

* * *

San regretted leaving Moro behind, but she had to kill the demon. She didn't know why Kaya had spared her daughter, nor did she care. Kaya was not far ahead - the young woman lay on the ground in a shaking heap. San rushed foward and turned her over roughly, raising her dagger. "Now you die!" Kaya said nothing, she merely stared at San through unfocused eyes. "What trick are you playing?" San asked warily, suddenly unsure of what she should do. 

"Do what you came to do," Kaya challenged through clenched teeth. 

San realized that the girl was in terrible pain - the demon seemed to be gone and in its place was a gravely ill young woman. Voices echoed in the wolf girl's thoughts: 

"Why did you stop me from killing her? Tell me before you die!"

"I wanted you to live, that's why."

Long ago it had been Ashitaka who stared at her over the blade of a sword. Now this girl, the one he had loved - the one he still loved - lay at her mercy. San feared her because she threatened her daughter's life; and now, more than ever, she feared Kaya's place in Ashitaka's heart. It would be so easy to kill her - she was helpless - and San would be within her right. San stood there looking down at Kaya for a moment, clenching the dagger in her fist. 

Shivering, Kaya whispered, "Do it quickly." She closed her eyes. 

It was then that San asked herself why Kaya had spared Moro.

The wolf girl sheathed her dagger. "I'm taking you home," she said tersely.

Kaya began to cry softly. "No, please ... please! You must kill me, I can't face him. Please!"

Ignoring her, San summoned Kaya's red elk and lifted the trembling woman onto its back. As they made their way down to the Emishi village after stopping to collect Moro, San thought of how much this reminded her of the time she had used Yakkul to carry Ashitaka to the pool of the Forest Spirit. Now, just as she had back then, she wondered why she was trying to save the life of her enemy. 

* * *

The wolves grew restless as Ashitaka impatiently paced back and forth, pausing occasionally to look down at the Emishi village that lay below. San and Moro should have met them by now - it was mid-afternoon. "I'm going back," the warrior finally said. "Something's wrong." He jumped onto Yakkul's back, but then he heard a voice calling out his name. To his surprise, Jii-San came riding out of the woods. 

"Prince Ashitaka, I've finally found you," the older man said. He gasped and started to pull back when he saw the wolves.

"It's all right, they won't hurt you," Ashitaka reassured him. "Jii-San, you shouldn't be talking to me." 

"That doesn't matter now. San brought Kaya back to us."

"What do you mean? What happened?"

Jii-San lowered his eyes and said, "Kaya took Moro this morning - don't worry, she's all right! San went after them, and Kaya's gotten very sick - like she was before she became a demon."

"I have to go back." Ashitaka urged Yakkul on, but Jii-San stopped him. 

"You know you can't do that, Ashitaka. If you are seen by the others, you will bring great dishonor upon yourself and your family."

Angry, the young man said, "My family needs me, and I must see Kaya!"

"Your wife and daughter are safe, and Hii-Sama is caring for Kaya. Please do as I say."

Ashitaka looked down at the village and sighed in frustration. "All right, I'll stay. Tell San to come as soon as she can." Jii-San nodded and turned away. As he rode off, Ashitaka called out, "Thank you, old friend!" The rider raised his arm as he disappeared into the trees. 

One of the white wolves growled. "We are just supposed to sit and wait then? That demon is in your village!"

"Kaya's no demon," Ashitaka replied sharply. 

The other one approached the young man and said, "Look at those birds." A large flock of crows rose up over the trees in the distance.

"What does it mean?" Ashitaka asked.

"Something is coming."

* * *

San stood back as the wisewoman fed medicine to Kaya. "Will she live?"

"It is too soon to tell. The curse is still inside her, making her sick. I'm doing all I can for her."

Coughing, Kaya opened her eyes and said, "If that were true, then you'd let the wolf girl kill me now."

"My dear, the illness is affecting your mind," Hii-Sama soothed her gently. "You don't want to die."

Kaya shook her head violently. "No, I'm not crazy. I know what I did, what I could still do ... " She looked over to San and desperately said, "Mercy, justice - call it whatever you want, just do it. Please." 

Troubled, Hii-Sama said to San, "I must get her some soup, but I'm afraid to leave her alone."

"Don't worry, I'll stay with her. I won't harm her."

When San was alone with Kaya, she hesitantly kneeled down beside the sick girl and raised a cup of water to her lips. Turning her head away, Kaya rasped, "Get away! I don't want you helping me!"

"You must have many reasons for hating me," San said uneasily, settling back.

"You married my Anisama," Kaya answered dully. "But then I almost killed your daughter. I guess we're nearly even."

"I didn't know he was yours," San said evenly, trying to control her anger.

"He probably never told you about me."

"No, he told me all about you. He said you're loving and kind, and you love to laugh. He told about how you were ready to defend your friends from the demon all by yourself, and how you were the only one who came out to see him when he left. That meant so much to him." San had often wondered how Ashitaka could fall in love with one such as herself after loving someone like Kaya. 

"I'm not that person anymore," Kaya said softly. "Is Moro all right?"

"She's safe."

"You still don't trust me - that's probably a good thing. I'm sick now, but the dark anger could come back, and you know it. It could take over and make me kill your daughter, maybe even Ashitaka." Watching San carefully, she said in a shaking voice, "Do you want to know how I was going to kill Moro? I was going to cut her throat. It would have been very quick, and she wouldn't have felt anything - except for the blade on her skin. She would have cried out once, and then it would have been over." Kaya closed her eyes, as if she were picturing the scene in her mind. "I would never make a child suffer."

San stumbled back in sick horror, her hand closing around her dagger. It was all a trick - Kaya was still a demon and San had been a fool to bring her to the village. Now she had to put an end to her - it was a good thing Hii-Sama was gone. Kneeling back down beside Kaya, San quickly drew her dagger and pulled the girl's head back, exposing her throat. The blade hovered over the pale skin as San realized that Kaya was not fighting her; she was merely laying there waiting for the death she wanted. Kaya had been trying to frighten San into killing her, and she had almost succeeded. Turning away, the wolf girl said, "I won't hurt you."

Kaya opened her eyes and glared at her. "Damn you."

* * *

"I can smell them now," one of the wolves said, sniffing the air. "There are many humans and horses. They're very close."

"It must be an army, maybe they'll pass by the village without trouble," Ashitaka replied. Not many outsiders knew about the Emishi, and Ashitaka wanted to keep it that way. Whistling to Yakkul, he said to the wolves, "Stay here, I'll go check it out."

Ashitaka and Yakkul sped off in the direction they had seen the birds eariler that day. The wolf was right - the army was close because it did not take them long to find it. Ashitaka was surprised to see that it wasn't very big - not big enough to be of any real advantage in a battle. Maybe there was more coming. Then the warrior grew uneasy as he recognized the banner of Taira. Ashitaka quickly went and found Lord Kei, who was glad and relieved to see him. 

"Ashitaka, I was afraid I'd be too late. I thought the demon might have already killed all of you."

"How did you find us, my lord?"

"I sent scouts to track you, and my army set out a few days after you left. When you were gone, I realized I shouldn't have let you two go after the demon alone, especially not with a child. I hope you can forgive me."

"There's nothing to forgive. You have your own wife and children to look after. How is Eboshi?"

"She's fine. She's had the baby - it's a boy." Kei's joy was overshadowed by his fear. "Do you know where the demon is, Ashitaka?"

The young man shook his head. "No, we lost it somewhere in the deep forest. San and the wolves are looking for it now." Knowing that Kei was watching him very closely, he struggled to keep his face natural. Ashitaka would not give his 'little sister' up to this man's anger, not if there was still a chance for her. 

"When San will return?"

"I don't know."

Then you must camp with me and my men tonight and talk of how we miss our wives," Kei said with a half-hearted laugh. He started his horse forward, then turned in the saddle and asked, "Where's your daughter, Ashitaka?"

"We left her in a village not far from here."

Kei nodded and said thoughtfully, "A village near here. I see." He rode on ahead. 

Ashitaka realized that Kei knew he was hiding something. The young warrior's uneasiness sank into dread. 

The moon hung overhead as the men laughed and joked around their campfires. Ashitaka did not join in - he was trying to stifle his anxiety for Kaya. Ashitaka was impatient to know about how his 'little sister' was doing, and he wondered if he would ever be able to see her again. Kei was also silent - the two of them sat before a fire a little ways off from the others. The lord was probably thinking about Eboshi and his new son, and about what he would have to do to keep them safe. Ashitaka wanted to tell Kei that the person he wanted to kill was just a sick girl who could be dying. But Ashitaka felt that Kei would not understand. 

"You're worrying about San, aren't you?" Kei asked, disrupting the younger man's thoughts.

"Yes," Ashitaka lied, feeling guilty. He realized that he hadn't really been thinking about San at all. 

"You shouldn't. I think your wolf princess could survive just about anything. But Eboshi ... she was weakened by the loss of her arm. Physically, I mean. She would never admit it, though." Kei paused, then said, "Ashitaka, if you knew where the demon was hiding, you'd tell me, wouldn't you?"

"Yes."

"I have to find it," Kei said resolutely. "It'll kill Eboshi now if I don't stop it. I won't ever let anything happen to her or the children."

Ashitaka cringed inwardly as he remembered how he had made that same promise to San. Was he keeping it to her? He suddenly thought of something else. "Kei, are you going to keep heading east?"

"No, I think it must be here somewhere. It wouldn't lead you all the way here just to let you lose it."

This startled Ashitaka. "Why do you think it was leading us?"

Kei looked him in the eye and said, "I guessed. Come on, it's time we all get some sleep. I have a feeling we'll need it." 

* * *

It was early morning , and Ashitaka could see his breath as he and Yakkul raced back to the village. Ashitaka was sure that Kei knew Kaya would be there. They came to a hilltop overlooking the village, and the warrior paused to consider what he was doing. By going back after being declared dead, he would dishonor not only himself but his family for generations to come. Of course, no one would know it but the Emishi themselves, but that would be more than enough for Ashitaka to feel shame. Still, this was Kaya - his 'little sister', and she needed him now. He urged Yakkul on, and they hurried down the village. 

On their way to the gate, Ashitaka spared a glance for Nago's grave.

It was still very early, and no one was out yet. Leaving Yakkul in the yard, he quickly made his way to Hii-Sama's house. If he moved quickly enough, maybe he could avoid being seen by the others. Long ago he discarded his daydream of coming home and being welcomed back by his people. 

As soon as he was in the door he was met by San, who whispered, "I hoped you would come."

Ashitaka turned his eyes upon his bride - the woman he loved, and held her tight. "You're all right, then?" he asked her anxiously. "Both of you?"

"Yes." San shuddered. "She could have killed Moro, but she didn't. And now she's dying."

Ashitaka stiffened. "Is that what Hii-Sama said?"

San tightened her arms around him. "I can smell the death inside her," she said softly. "I'm sorry." 

San led him inside, where Kaya lay coughing and trembling in the furs. The young girl turned her wide eyes on him and whispered, "Anisama, you're here ... "

Ashitaka knelt by her side. "I had to see you, my 'little sister'."

Kaya smiled, then her face crumpled. "Don't ... don't look at me ... please don't ... "

"Ssshhhh, it's all right -"

"No!" she cried out violently. "You're disgracing yourself by being here. Go away and let me die."

"I'm not leaving you, Kaya."

"Don't you understand?" she said dully. "I was going to kill your family, Ashitaka. I was going to kill your child. I can't live with that."

"No matter what you've done, you're an innocent girl fighting an evil inside her. That's who I want to save." 

Kaya shook her head. "She doesn't exist, not anymore."

"Yes she does," Ashitaka whispered, kissing her forehead. "And I promise I'll help you find her. I won't let anything happen to you." 

A memory, unbidden, passed into his thoughts:

"Ashitaka!"

"Kaya, what are you doing here? You know it's forbidden."

"Do you think I care about that? I came to give you this, so you won't forget your 'little sister'."

"Your crystal dagger. Kaya, I can't take this."

"Please keep it with you, brother, to protect you. You must take it with you, please, I want you to have it. So you won't ... forget."

"Kaya, you know I could never forget you."

She was the only one who didn't turn her back on him. He couldn't fail her now. 

Ashitaka said, "We have to get Kaya out of here. Lord Kei is looking for her - he's brought an army."

Startled, the wisewoman answered, "We can't move her, my prince. Not in her condition."

"If she stays, he'll kill her," the warrior said firmly. "There's a cave in the forest - do you remember it, Hii-Sama?" The old woman nodded. "We'll take her there," Ashitaka continued. "She'll be safe - at least for a little while." He turned to his wife, who had been standing apart from them. "San, will you help us?"

San looked unsure, and he wouldn't have blamed her if she refused. Kaya had, after all, threatened to take their daughter from them. Finally, San said slowly, "I love you Ashitaka. For that, I'll help her." 

He stood up and went to San; taking her in his arms and holding her close. "Thank you, my love - my wife," he whispered into her ear. "I love you so much." Small words for the strength of what he felt for her, but somehow they were all that San needed to hear. When Ashitaka pulled back a little to look at her face, he was surprised to see tears streaming down her cheeks and relief in her eyes. He quickly drew her aside. "Did you ... did you think I might stop loving you? Because of Kaya?" he whispered, not wanting the sick girl to hear him.

"For awhile, maybe ... but not anymore," San answered, kissing him. Ashitaka held her again, stroking her hair. Then he noticed that Kaya was gazing at them with a thoughtful expression on her face. "It's time to go," he said. 

It was daylight when Ashitaka emerged from Hii-Sama's house carrying Kaya in his arms. She was wrapped from head to toe in blankets, and her trembling had grown worse. People were out and about now, and they gasped as they recognized their lost prince. 

San saw the Emishi gravely turn away from her husband, and she remembered her anger towards these people and the law that made them reject him. "Ashitaka's one of you! He's saving Kaya's life! Are you going to betray him now for a stupid law?!"

They still did not look at her, and Ashitaka said gently, "Please don't be angry with them, San. You are not Emishi, and you don't understand. Come on, we must leave before Kei finds us." 

There were shouts, and the crowd parted as Lord Kei and several horsemen rode up. "What's that you have there, Prince Ashitaka?" Kei asked harshly. "That wouldn't be the demon you know nothing about, would it?"

"She's not a demon, anymore" Ashitaka answered desperately. "She's sick. Please, leave her alone."

"I'm sorry it had to be a woman. Give her to me, Ashitaka - I have to finish this now." 

"Don't you even care how she got this way? She and my people were poisoned by Nago, the demon who cursed me. He became a demon when your own wife shot him!" 

"Eboshi told me about the boar," Kei said, though he looked a little taken aback. "I'm sorry for what happened to all of you, but it doesn't change the fact that your little girl there is a demon who must be destroyed before she kills anyone else." 

"She shouldn't have attacked Eboshi, but she did have her reasons."

"You're supposed to be my friend," Kei said heatedly. "Give her to me now, or I must treat you as my enemy."

"I'm not your enemy, Kei, but I won't let you kill my 'little sister'."

"Enough of this," Kei muttered. He drew his sword and advanced towards Ashitaka, who backed away. San, her own dagger ready, put herself between the two men. Kei did not stop. "If you're smart, you'll get out of my way!" He quickly closed the gap and tried to push San down, but she was too fast for him. San counterattacked with her blade. 

"Ashitaka, get her out of here!" San yelled.

The young warrior hesitated.

"Now!"

Reluctantly, Ashitaka turned and ran towards the gate. Kei shouted to his soldiers, who quickly pursued them. Horses raced up behind him and they were knocked to the ground. Ashitaka sat up and glared at the riders who circled above him.

"Give her to us, and we'll let you live." 

Ashitaka shook his head and lowered himself protectively over Kaya. He could hear San and Kei fighting nearby. What if he kills San?

"Please don't kill yourself for me, Anisama," Kaya whispered. 

The soldiers suddenly cried out in pain as they were each struck by arrows. Jii-San and his warriors ran up grabbed the two men, pulling them roughly off their horses. "Go Ashitaka!" Jii-San said urgently. "Hurry! More soldiers are coming!"

Ashitaka glanced quickly towards where San was still in a heated battle with Kei, then at Kaya. Gathering the sick girl up in his arms, he hurried out the gate and into the protection of the forest, where Hii-Sama was waiting with the elk.

San jumped back as Kei lunged at her with his sword. He was a good warrior - better than most she had come across. But she felt he was holding back, and this gave her some hope. She didn't want to kill this man, for he had helped save her forest and had always been a good friend. Backing off a few steps, she said, "We don't have to do this."

"I was going to say the same thing," Kei replied wearily. "Just give me the demon, San."

"I won't help you kill someone Ashitaka loves."

"Even someone who wants to murder your child?"

"She's not like that anymore."

"You've both lost your minds," Kei said, shaking his head. "You should be helping me kill this monster."

"The only monster I see here is you."

He rushed at San then, catching her by surprise. She swiped up at him with her dagger, but Kei grabbed her wrist and twisted the blade out of her hand. He caught her other wrist, but she brought her knee up hard into his groin. Crying out in pain, Kei doubled over and fell to the ground. Kneeling over him, San took his sword, saying, "I don't want to do this, please believe me." Then San heard horsemen coming, and she paused for a second - plenty of time for Kei to swing and crush his fist against the side of the wolf girl's head. San collapsed to the ground. 

Kei's captain rode up and said, "My lord, have you found the demon?"

Kei painfully got to his feet. "No, Ashitaka's hiding it. But we have his family - he won't stay hidden for long. Position the men in the village, but leave the people alone. Send some riders out into the woods to look for Ashitaka and the demon - they couldn't have gone too far." Looking down at San, he added, "Take her to someone who can take care of her, and make sure she's bound tight. Find her daughter." He hoped Ashitaka would soon come to his senses. Things had already gone too far out of control. 

* * *

Ashitaka sat nearby as Hii-Sama covered Kaya with blankets. The young woman was getting worse - her fever had risen and she could not get warm. "It's so cold in here!" she gasped, shivering under her covers. The cave where they were hiding was a place Ashitaka and Kaya had played as children. He refused to think of those times now - it would be like admitting she was already dead. Hii-Sama would save her - she had saved so many in their village. But then, she had been unable to cure him of his own curse. 

Ashitaka couldn't believe he had left San behind. He had promised he would take care of her and Moro, and now they were probably Kei's prisoners. He trusted San's skills as a warrior, but still ... 

He looked at Kaya, who lay trembling on the cold floor of the cave, her face flushed with fever. His 'little sister' was still precious to him, and she needed him now. Ashitaka had promised to save her, could he really turn his back on her?

Ashitaka had made promises to the two women he loved, and he had thought he would be able to keep them both. 

One of the white wolves appeared at the entrance of the cave. "Kei has captured your village, and he has San and Moro," he said. "Come with us now, Ashitaka. Help us free them."

Ashitaka started to gather his bow and sword, but the wisewoman gently took hold of his arm. "My prince, you mustn't go. The warlord could capture you, and I cannot protect Kaya."

"I can't just leave my family there! And our people ..."

"San is brave and strong. You say this man is your friend - do you think he would harm them or anyone else?"

"I don't know anymore, Hii-Sama," Ashitaka said softly. 

"Remember what I told you when you first left us, Ashitaka? 'See with eyes unclouded by hate.' Do you think one man alone with two wolves would stand a chance against an army?"

"No ..." he answered reluctantly.

"Who are you to interfere, human?" the wolf snarled. "Ashitaka is our sister's mate. He must come help us! That woman there is only a demon! We should give her to Kei!"

Hii-Sama drew herself up and stood before the wolf. Though she was a small woman, she was somehow able to look very imposing. She glared at the wolf, who shrank back a little from her power. "Wolf god, I am the wisewoman of the Emishi, a race that has existed since the animal gods began roaming the earth. I am a creature not unlike your sister, and so is Kaya. Kaya will be important to my people's future - if she lives. Do not question my judgement." 

The wolf said nothing to this, but to Ashitaka he growled, "My brother and I will not abandon our sister." He turned and left. 

"They can't bring San and Moro back," Hii-Sama said. 

"I know," Ashitaka agreed, suddenly feeling very tired and helpless. He walked over to Kaya and kneeled down beside her. "Are you feeling any better, my 'little sister'?" he asked her hopefully.

"No," she replied softly. "I'm so cold. The wolf is right - you must give me up."

"I won't do that," Ashitaka said firmly. 

"Please, think of your wife and daughter."

"You're going to be all right," he said, tears beginning to stream down his face. "Kaya, I'm so sorry. This is all my fault - everything is my fault."

"You have nothing to be sorry for, my 'brother'," Kaya said, concerned. "You had no control over what happened to you, or to any of us. I have always loved you - loved you so much that I let myself turn to hatred. But it's not your fault. I think the gods prepared separate paths for us, and I wouldn't see it. I defied the gods and caused myself great harm. But now I know that I must be content with my place in your heart, and I must accept my fate." She looked him in the eyes, and Ashitaka suddenly saw the truth he could not face. Kneeling by her side, the warrior grasped her hand and wept. 

* * *

Listening to the others' soft breathing, Kaya shivered in the darkness. They couldn't make a fire - Kei's men would see it. Ashitaka and the wisewoman lay sleeping somewhere on opposite sides of the cave without blankets, for they had given theirs to Kaya. The sick girl stood shakily to her feet and stifled a gasp as the cold and pain intensified. She kept a blanket wrapped around her and left the rest behind. The cave was pitch black, and she made her way to the entrance where light shone in from the moon overhead. Kaya walked hunched over, trying her best to ignore the pain and keep her balance. She must not let the others wake up - they would stop her. 

Outside now - so close. Kaya swayed suddenly as she nearly blacked out. She crouched down, taking deep breaths and trying to will it away. Her sight cleared a bit, and she stood up and whistled softly. Finally she felt warm softness as an elk walked up to her and sniffed her hand. Not Yakkul - it was Hii-Sama's elk. Kaya felt her way to the animal's side and pulled herself up, gasping with the effort. Draped across the elk's back, she lifted her head and whispered, "Home, Ruri, please go home." She wished for her own elk Naoka, who had always given her comfort. Ruri moved forward, and Kaya almost fell off. She held on, hoping she had the strength to make it. 

Ashitaka shouldn't have protected her - Kaya had committed terrible crimes and should die. She knew she was already dying, what did it matter if her life was taken by Kei instead of the sickness? A wave of nausea passed over her, and she clinged to the elk. Oh god, if she could only get there then the misery would finally end. As much as she wanted to fight this illness for Ashitaka's sake, Kaya didn't think she could endure it for much longer. 

Her sight began to fail her again, and she could feel her small bit of strength beginning to leave her. Kaya suddenly glimpsed flashes of white - the wolves, San's brothers. They were running alongside the elk, who panicked and began to run faster. Kaya couldn't hold on anymore, and she knew the wolves would tear her apart once she hit the ground. Then she was slipping ... falling ... 

I love you, my Anisama

* * *

Early the next morning, San was sitting upright in a bed and wrestling with the thick leather straps that bound her hands and legs behind her back. She settled back down with a frustrated sigh. She could not free herself this way - she would have to think of something else. Then she heard him coming, and she felt a surge of alarm when she saw he was carrying Moro in his arms. Would he torture Moro to make San tell him where Ashitaka had taken Kaya? "Let go of my child!" she snapped. 

"As you wish, princess," Kei replied in a tired voice, lowering Moro to the floor. The little girl ran to San and hugged her close.

"Mother, I missed you! Why are you tied up?" She eyed San's bonds curiously.

"Uncle Kei and I were playing a game," San replied evenly.

"Are you done yet? I want to go home now."

"I don't know. Are we done, Kei?"

To San's surprise, the lord walked over and started to untie her. "Yes, we're done. I have what I came for."

"Kaya? Then you must have captured Ashitaka. What have you done with him?!"

"I don't know where he is," Kei answered. "My men found the girl in the forest and brought her back here."

Her hands free, San held Moro close and said in a numb voice, "So Kaya's dead then." Ashitaka would be devastated.

"You and Moro are free to leave. I'm sure you know where Ashitaka is - when you see him, tell him we're leaving his village tomorrow. And tell him that he and his kin are no longer welcome in Taira or Iron Town." 

"Did you speak to her? Did you at least speak to Kaya before you killed her?" San demanded. 

"She was unconscious."

"Coward. I know that hatred and murder solves nothing. It was a hard lesson for me to learn." She dropped her voice to a whisper. "Kaya was going to kill Moro, but she didn't. Somehow she was able to stop herself. If I could learn to forgive her, then surely you could have done the same." 

"It's time for you to go, San. Your brothers will probably meet you outside the village, they've been at my men all night." 

San picked up Moro and gave Kei a final glance before leaving. The Emishi did not look at them, for they knew now that she and Moro were Ashitaka's family. San was no longer angry with them, only tired and sad. These people had known so much grief and pain over the past several years, and they couldn't see that having Ashitaka back was a good thing. She had to remind herself that humans, like wolves, had ways that were not to be broken. Still, she could not understand it. 

Worse yet, the girl Ashitaka had known and loved as his 'little sister' was dead. How could she tell him? What would she say to him, and would he accept her comfort? It was just yesterday that she wanted to kill Kaya just as much as Kei had. San led Moro up the hill, and her brothers ran up and almost knocked them down in their pleasure to see them alive. San hugged them close and rubbed their necks. "I missed you," she whispered.

"We've been trying to help you," one of them said, nuzzling her. "The humans had their guns, we couldn't get close."

"Thank you."

"The girl is dead, isn't she?"

San looked up in surprise. "Moro, why don't you go pick some of those flowers for your father?" After the girl had gone a little ways off, she asked, "How did you know that?"

"We saw her riding an elk. She fell off," the other wolf answered. "We kept her warm until the lord came for her."

"What?" San backed away from her brothers. "You let Kei take her?"

The wolf looked at her sharply. "We wanted you back, San. Ashitaka was going to do nothing! He was protecting the demon when he should have given her to Kei."

San shakily got to her feet. "She wasn't a demon - she fought it and it left her. You shouldn't have done that."

"It wasn't gone, it was buried!" the other wolf said. "You know it could have taken over again, San! Were you really willing to risk Moro's life?"

"No ... you were wrong," San insisted.

"It was what she wanted," the wolf said more gently. "She was already on her way to give herself to Kei, she was just too sick to make it on her own."

San looked at her brothers and realized that they only did what they thought was right. She knew that it was probably what Moro, their mother, would have done. The wolf goddess probably would have even just killed Kaya herself. Taking a deep breath, San said quietly, "Take me to Ashitaka now, please. We will say nothing of this to him. Ever. Do you understand?" Her brothers nodded. San gathered up her little girl, and the wolves lead her to the cave where Ashitaka had taken Kaya the night before.

Ashitaka was hurriedly tacking up Yakkul. "Maybe she just left, maybe I can still catch her!" he shouted to Hii-Sama. Catching sight of his wife, he ran to her and urgently asked, "Are you both all right? Did he hurt you?"

"We're both fine," San answered, not wanting to tell him about Kaya. 

"I'm sorry, I have to go," he replied quickly. "Kaya ran away last night, she might be hurt in the woods or worse. I have to find her before Kei does." He turned away but San stopped him.

"Ashitaka ..." her voice faltered.

"What is it?"

"Kei found her last night, that's why he let us go. He ..."

Ashitaka stared at her, then shook his head in disbelief. "No ... no ... she's not ..."

"My love, I'm sorry."

He backed away, trying to control his tears. "I promised her ... I promised I would help her, and I just let her die."

San went to Ashitaka and put her arms around him. "I'm so sorry. I wish it didn't happen this way."

He clunged to her and wept, and she held him tight. He said, "She was the only one who was there for me when I had to leave - the only one who cared more for me than for our law." 

San cringed at the pain and anguish she heard in his voice, and she felt a deep sense of grief and helplessness because there was nothing she could do but hold him. 

She could never tell him about what her brothers had done. 

* * *

"Kaya, are you awake? Can you hear me?"

The girl slowly opened her eyes, unsure of where she was. Her vision was blurred, she could barely make out a figure standing over her. She vaguely remembered falling ... warmth ... rough hands dragging her across the ground ... shouting ... pain ... 

The pain was still there.

Her eyes focused, and she looked up at the man. He was angry, and she dimly realized that she should fear him. "I can hear you," she answered hesitantly. She grimaced as she was hit by a wave of nausea. "Please help me, I'm sick ..."

"I'm Lord Kei of Taira," the man said. "You tried to kill my wife and son. You killed many of my warriors. I'm here to kill you now." 

It was a familiar name - she tried to remember why she should know it. But then Kei picked her up and dragged her outside, where he dumped her to the ground. This was her village, oh god - she was remembering; remembering all of it. Her crimes, her betrayal to the one she loved ... everything. Kaya whimpered in pain as she lay there on her back, unable to move. Her stomach was in so much pain, she could barely breath. She had come to this man so that he could set her free from her sins and pain. Her breath came out in shallow pants as she whispered, "I know now, I remember. Do it quickly ..." There were cries of protest as villagers gathered around them, but Kei's soldiers quickly blocked their way. Kei whispered a prayer, then raised his sword. Kaya stiffened as she suddenly felt herself being gripped by terrible spasms - was the demon trying to take her again? "Oh ... help me, help me ... please!" she gasped, then she let out a wrenched scream as her body convulsed. Turning over onto her side, Kaya began retch violently. 

To Kaya's increasing horror, she vomited up a disgusting black slime that seemed to ooze out and stain the ground. It tasted like filth, and she realized that it had once been alive but was now dead. She had been carrying this dead thing inside her for the past several days. Kaya prayed for it stop, but there was more and more ... it wasn't stopping, maybe it would never stop. She would keep vomiting this stuff until she was dead. 

Kaya sobbed as she continued to be sick over and over again, and was aware that a pair of strong hands supported her, and a gentle voice was trying to soothe her. She tried to focus on the voice, and then the black ooze stopped. Her stomach dry- heaved a couple more times, and then she collapsed. 

"It's all right, it's all right ..." the voice said, and then she knew no more.

* * *

Sitting on the ground, Ashitaka leaned slightly back against his wife, who had her arms wrapped loosely around him. Dark clouds had formed over them, and San said something about getting inside before it rained. Ashitaka barely heard her, he was hardly aware of anything but his own grief. He couldn't believe he had failed his 'little sister.' If only he had known she was strong enough to leave the cave on her own, he would never have let himself fall asleep. Ashitaka had thought she was safe - the cave was well-hidden and he could have found a better place to hide the next morning. 

"Father?" 

He looked up and saw his little daughter standing before him, a scraggly bunch of flowers held tight in her hands. Moro sat down beside him and asked, "What's wrong?" The girl was shy, hesitant - as if she sensed that her presence might very well shatter him to pieces. 

Ashitaka swept her into a quick hug and kissed her forehead. "I love you, Moro," he whispered. His daughter was alive now because Kaya was able to fight the demon inside of her. He had San and Moro back with him now because Kaya had sacrificed herself. 

"I love you too, Father." 

He smoothed back her dark hair and said, "Why don't you keep Hii-Sama company?"

Moro stood up and walked away, looking at him over her shoulder. She was still so young, but he could already see she would be very strong someday. The flowers - pretty weeds that grew along the hillsides - lay in his lap. 

Ashitaka gently fingered the little pink blossoms, and he bent his head at the sudden, shameful thought that he himself had been the cause of Kaya's suffering. He brought on the curse, and he had led Kei to the village. Yes, Kaya had forgiven him for the sins he had committed against her; she even said that none of it was his fault. Perhaps it wasn't, but he still knew that he would never forgive himself for what happened to her. Worse of all, Kei had butchered her while she was asleep. The warlord had never even bothered to find out for himself that Kaya's life was worth saving. Anger surged through him as he thought of Kei celebrating his victory over killing a helpless girl. Then San's voice broke through his thoughts, distracting him a little from his anger. "Ashitaka, we must go inside now, it's raining."

So it was - Ashitaka was surprised to find himself half-soaked already. The rain had started quickly, and he hadn't even noticed. "All right," he agreed dully, getting to his feet. He turned to his wife and saw that she was standing alert and sniffing the air. "What is it?"

"It's Kei, he's riding towards us. Down there." 

Ashitaka wasted no time. He quickly grabbed his sword and whistled for Yakkul.

San hurried after him. "Ashitaka, what are you going to do?"

Leaping onto the elk's back, he didn't answer her. He wheeled Yakkul around and they charged down the hill. The elk sped through the forest, leaping over rocks and fallen branches with graceful ease. The rain pounded down on them - Ashitaka felt it sting his back and plaster his hair to his skull. Then he saw the warlord riding slowly along the path below, no doubt searching for him and San so he could finish them off as he had done with Kaya. Kei had called Ashitaka his enemy, and now the young warrior was more than willing to live up to the name. 

With a shout of rage, he and Yakkul leaped low over Kei and his mount. The horse spooked, and it screamed as it slipped and fell. Horse and rider plunged headlong down the hill, and once they reached the bottom the animal quickly struggled to its feet and stumbled away. 

Kei lay where he had fallen, letting out a sharp cry of pain as he tried to move. His leg was twisted at an odd angle - broken. Ashitaka slid off of Yakkul's back and strode purposefully towards the warlord, his sword drawn. Kei stared at him as if in a daze, then realizing his danger he looked around for his sword. It lay a few feet away, and he quickly tried to drag himself to it. Ashitaka ran up and kicked it aside. Kei lay on his back, his chest heaving for air. Ashitaka stood over the man who had killed his Kaya, ready to kill him.

Trembling with fury, Ashitaka shouted, "You murdered her!

"No, she's still alive, Ashitaka." 

"You're lying! You're only trying to save yourself !"

"Listen to me ..."

"Now you know how it feels," Ashitaka said, ignoring him. "You know what it feels like to be helpless in front of an enemy who wants nothing more than to rip your heart out." 

"Kaya's back at the village."

"Shutup!"

"She's waiting for you." 

Ashitaka stood ready, sword in hand. He thought he heard San calling his name, but he could focus on nothing but the man that lay before him. Then the warlord said, "We know each other well enough by now to know when the other is lying. Do I look like I'm lying now?"

A gentle hand grasped Ashitaka's arm, and he turned to see San standing beside him. "Do what you think is right, Ashitaka." she whispered sadly. 

Kei looked away from them. "I couldn't do it. You were right, she is innocent."

See with eyes unclouded by hate...

Ashitaka slowly backed away, then ran to Yakkul. The pair disappeared into the forest. San watched them for a moment, then bent down to help Lord Kei. With a sardonic laugh, the warlord said, "I told her I'd find him." 

Ashitaka burst into the hut to find his 'little sister' sitting propped up in bed. He stood there with a look of pure disbelief in his eyes, then rushed to her side. "Why did you do that?" he demanded, almost shaking her. "Why did you leave like that?! I thought I lost you!"

"I did what I had to do, Ashitaka," she answered quietly.

"But I promised I'd protect you." 

"I know you did, but it's my life. I have the right to do what I want with it."

"You don't know what it was like - thinking you were dead, knowing that I could have done something more to save you," he said quietly. 

She gave him a smile. "It's good to know that you do care for me, my brother."

Ashitaka was calm now, and he looked on her with wonder. "What happened, Kaya? You look so much better."

"The evil is gone now, it's not inside me anymore," Kaya answered, shuddering a little with the memory. "Kei helped me, and he let me live. I think I'm going to be all right now. "

"Thank the gods," Ashitaka whispered, giving her a hug. 

"Were you rolling around in a mud pit before you came here?" she asked, and Ashitaka was suddenly aware of his wet clothes.

"Sort of - I was fighting with Kei."

"But I sent him to find you. Where is he?" 

"I ... um ... broke his leg," Ashitaka said sheepishly.

"What?!"

* * *

"I can't believe I have to ride home in a carriage," Lord Kei lamented. "How embarrassing!" His soldiers were assembled and ready to leave. They had been camping outside the Emishi village for the past several weeks, waiting for the warlord to be well enough for the journey. Kaya followed as San and Ashitaka helped Kei to his carriage. 

"You're lucky to be alive at all," San remarked. "Ashitaka was angry enough that night to take your head off."

Kei chuckled. "You don't need to remind me." He settled himself into the carriage, then turned to Ashitaka and said, "We've both said and done things to betray each other, but I was hoping we might be able to put this behind us." 

"I don't know if it'll be that easy," the young man replied. 

"All right, then," Kei agreed quietly. "But maybe we can talk later. You and your family are welcome to come to Taira whenever you like." To Kaya, he said, "I still can't believe it was you." 

Kaya gave him a smile. "I'm sure you were expecting to find a fierce creature to slay. It would have made things a lot easier for you."

"Yes, it would have," he replied. "It also would have been wrong of me to punish an innocent, I knew that when I saw what was inside you. I should have known it when we found you half dead in the forest. Please forgive me."

"You're forgiven," she said softly. "Safe journey, my lord."

He smiled and patted her arm, then said San and Ashitaka, "Safe journey to you both." The three of them watched as the small army slowly made its way out of the village. 

San drew Kaya aside and said, "I've been wanting to talk to you about ... about what my brothers did. Do you remember?"

"Yes. Please don't trouble yourself over it, San."

"They shouldn't have let you be captured."

"If it wasn't for them, I wouldn't be standing here now," Kaya said gently. "Everything else is in the past."

"All right," the wolf girl said slowly, "but I should at least give you this." She held out the crystal dagger. 

Kaya gasped. "I remember that. It seems so long ago now."

"Ashitaka gave it to me. I think you should have it."

"The crystal dagger is a token we give to the ones we love," Kaya said. "It belongs to you alone, San. I can't rightfully take it." She stumbled, and San quickly steadied her. 

"Are you all right?"

"Yes, I'm fine. The sickness has weakened my body. I'll never be as strong as I used to be. I just need some rest, that's all."

Ashitaka hurried over and said, "I take her to the house, San. Moro's calling for you, she fell down and scraped her knee."

"I must go quickly then," San replied, laughing gently. She gave her husband a quick kiss before running off. 

Kaya leaned on Ashitaka's arm, and he walked her to the house. "You're also leaving today, aren't you?"

"Yes, it's time for us to go home," he replied. "I'm trying not to imagine what kind of shape the house is in. Hopefully, Toki and Kouroku sent someone to look after it." Two Emishi men passed by, and Ashitaka glanced at them. They did not look back. 

"I'm sorry they're ignoring you, brother," Kaya said. "You know they're only obeying our law."

"I know, but I wish it didn't have to be that way. I wish I didn't have to feel ashamed to be in my own village, with my own people."

"They do admire you, and they do you honor in their own way," she replied. "They're glad you're still alive, and they're grateful to you for helping me."

"When did I ever help you, Kaya?" Ashitaka asked softly. "You became a demon because of me." 

"I was able to fight it because of you. I knew that killing Moro and San would be the same as killing you, and I couldn't stand the idea of hurting you, my Anisama." 

"Even though that meant giving up on the kind of life you wanted?"

"I needed to give it up, Ashitaka. I needed a reason to let go."

"You're finally free."

"Not completely free," she said with a sigh, and he saw the sad and wistful look in her eyes.

"Kaya ..."

"Loving you is something I could never feel sorry for, Ashitaka," she said. "I'll love you always. But it's not that, it's ..." She paused, then, "Hii-Sama told me today that I can never have children."

"Oh, Kaya, I'm so sorry ..." He drew her into an embrace.

Holding him tight, Kaya said, "She also says that I'm to take her place as wisewoman someday. I'm the strongest of the old bloodline, and I'll be needed." They continued on until they reached her house, and Kaya climbed into bed. 

"Get some rest," Ashitaka said. 

"Will you wake me before you go?" 

"I will, I promise." Ashitaka bent down and brushed a kiss along her cheek, then left silently so that his 'little sister' could sleep. 

the end 


End file.
